Author: Frank

Headspace

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I really haven’t been in a great headspace these past couple of days. And I feel as though writing yesterday’s post didn’t help. Usually I write some of these posts to clear my mind, reflect and feel better, and yesterday’s post didn’t seem to do the trick for me. It seemed to make my headspace worse.

I really did not feel like going to work yesterday. I did not want to budge from my warm bed at 6am when it was 4 degrees outside. I did not feel like repeating the same, monotonous chores of the morning. And throughout the day, I just seemed to lack any sort of enthusiasm in talking to people. I struggled join in on our usual morning laughter at work. I lacked any sort of motivation to get my work done. And the day definitely dragged along.

I’ve been wanting to go for a blood test these last few days, which my endocrinologist routinely orders inbetween appointments to check my urine, kidney functions, hba1c, and all those other vitamins and nutrients. And on two of those mornings I was planning to go, I woke up low. Not terrible, scary low, but low enough that I had to have some marshmallows and ruin my fasted bloods. Not the best frame of mind to start the day with.

And these past few days, I just feel like seeing the negatives around me. Getting irritated because they are talking too loudly. Snapping when being asked if I’m ready to leave. And cursing (insert your own swear words here!) everytime that damn phone rings at work.

I think I’m just feeling a little burnt out. And in desperate need of a break. Funnily enough, a break is only a week away, and yet I can’t even seem to muster any sort of enthusiasm or excitement for it. That realisation is yet to hit me. Its yet to even motivate me forward.

But, there is a nice resolution to this story.

Last night, we went out with the family for dinner. Usually I love eating out. But last night, I really was not up for it. Not wanting to ruin the night, I sat there quietly and tried not to say anything. I guess the best thing about last night was being forced to take time away from all of these other things going on in my life. By the end of the night, I did start to join in on the conversation, a little. By the end of the night, I was feeling a little better.

There were also a few words of encouragement from the DOC on Twitter last night and again when I woke up this morning. The DOC is just amazing for this, especially considering I don’t even know any of these people. And this morning, I am finally able to crack a little smile because it is Friday. I will get that break I so desperately need in 8 hours time. And I will hopefully be able to regroup and get my head back into the right space.

 

Learning to Say ‘No’

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Learning to say ‘no’ around others is one of the most difficult challenges that I face in my day to day life with diabetes. Almost every day I come face to face with temptation from others. Whether it’s the offer of a mid morning coffee at work, the sweets that person brought in from home to try, or the array of dolce at our family get togethers. Temptation lies behind every corner I turn, and at any given time of the day. Its not something that I can easily escape.

I could accept that piece of mid morning cake. I could take the easy option out. I would be able to indulge in that chocolate fix that I know I really want. No questions will be asked. There’ll be no mention of the d word. Just sweet, simple pleasure.

But I know I’ll be spoiling my after breakfast blood sugar levels, which are usually good most days. I know I’ll have to try and make a subtle dash to the bathroom 10 minutes later and quickly jab in a shot of insulin. I know it’ll be a guesstimate. It might be too little. Or I might end up hypo later on. But, I won’t have to bring up that d word, again. I won’t have to answer questions, again.

Or I could take the harder option of trying to politely refuse that piece of mid morning cake. More than likely, I’ll have to refuse that offer again a second time. More insistently. I’ll be innocently asked “why not?” “What’s wrong?” “You don’t feel well?” And I’ll have to remind them that I have diabetes. Yet again. And I’ll have to explain what that means. Yet again. I’ll have to answer those “so, you can’t eat sugar” questions. Yet again. Yeah, my blood sugars will be great. Yeah, I won’t have to make that mad dash to the bathroom. And yeah, I guarantee myself stability for the rest of the morning.

But I’ll be reminded of just how much of an uphill battle I face by simply leaving the house every day. Of the hurdles I have to overcome just to keep my blood sugar levels steady day in, day out. Of what I’m missing out on because I have diabetes. Of the confidence I lack in talking about my diabetes more often and more enthusiastically to others. And of just how much diabetes unawareness there actually is out there.

I know the people around me mean well. I know they are not doing it to me on purpose. And I certainly don’t think my life with diabetes is terrible. But when I see those looks of sadness, looks of concern and looks of pity from others, it’s enough to bring me down. And it’s enough to ruin my attitude towards diabetes management for another day.

Thanks, Gwen

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My diabetes educator, Gwen, was a fantastic support system for me in the initial months following my diagnosis. She was a very direct person, and had one of those strong voices that still rings clearly in my head today (even though I have not seen her in several months). She reminds me of one of those teachers who would challenge you by answering a question with another question and often leaving me stumped for a response. And although I absolutely hated it at the time, I know that she was only trying to help me to think for myself and solve the problem on my own. As Gwen would put it, her job was to teach me to think like a pancreas and make her role as my diabetes educator defunct.

Gwen was extremely understanding and never passed judgement. Although she was not a diabetic herself, she was very experienced in dealing with young adults like myself and often referred to her experiences being a pretend diabetic. She was extremely supportive and was even prepared to come to my defence after I walked out of a less-than-supportive endocrinologist appointment on the verge of tears (which you can read more about here). She always made time for me if I needed it – I can even remember her once squeezing me in for a quick chat during her lunch break!

Over the course of a few months, we covered all the basics like the role of insulin, hypos, hypers, sick days, travel, exercise, carb counting and making lots of adjustments to my insulin doses. If there was something that I wanted to help me manage my diabetes, Gwen would get it for me. Like an insulin pen that could dial half units. Software so that I could download my blood glucose results onto the computer. Books to record my blood glucose readings. And anything else she thought I might find useful.

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Within a couple of months, Gwen felt confident that I didn’t need her anymore. I did have a couple of bumps throughout that journey, but that probably belongs in another post. Its worth noting that at the age of 17, learning to manage my diabetes was much easier than if I was younger. I used to see young children in there with their school uniforms, parents and other siblings. I really do count myself lucky.

One piece of advice from Gwen that I really wish I didn’t ignore was finding and connecting with other people with diabetes. I really do wish I’d found the support of the Diabetes Online Community sooner. Hell, there should be a mandatory session dedicated to the DOC!

I’m forever grateful for our amazing public healthcare system here in Oz. Through that hospital outpatient clinic, I have had access to any sort of service I need to manage my diabetes – podiatry, optometrist, dermatologist, dietician – and I still do, to this very day! If only some of the waiting lists weren’t so long… As Gwen would say, getting through all of those d-related appointments in my first year would be the hardest. And it would have been much harder if I was lumped with the financial burden of all those appointments too.

I’m also forever grateful to Gwen. I fondly remember her comfort and support after that nasty endocrinologist appointment. I can remember Mum wanting to buy her a small gift on my first Christmas with diabetes just to thank her for all her support during that first year. Support that I can still remember and still appreciate to this very day. Thanks, Gwen.

 

I Am NOT a Diabetes Sufferer

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“She suffers from diabetes.” “His loved one suffers with diabetes” “20% of people suffer with diabetes.” “This drug will bring to an end your diabetes suffering.”

I’ve seen these kinds of words and phrases way too many times since joining the Diabetes Online Community. And I absolutely HATE reading the words ‘diabetes sufferer.’ Hate it.

Last week on Twitter, I stumbled across a post from a company marketing footcare products to people with diabetes. The post read something like “Are you type 1 or type 2? 90% of diabetes sufferers are type 2.” I had the urge to immediately respond, and gave them some ‘friendly advice’ not to use that term. And I’m happy to report that this company apologised, deleted the tweet and will hopefully take my advice on board.

My intention here is not to attack this company. Because what happened here is a mere representation of many misconceptions and uneducated assumptions about diabetes.

To use the word diabetes sufferer is an insult. It attaches a stigma to people with diabetes. A stigma that they are unhealthy. That they are hurting. That they are struggling. That they are in pain.

I don’t want people to be making those uneducated assumptions about me. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. To pity me. To think that every day is a struggle. And when these uneducated words are spread across the internet, that’s exactly what happens. People are led to make uneducated assumptions about me. 

And in reality, that’s far from the truth.

I don’t consider myself a person who ‘suffers’ with diabetes. I live with diabetes. I deal with diabetes. I manage diabetes. Hell, some days I even conquer diabetes. And when I look at what I’ve achieved through this blog, I am very proud of my diabetes.

If I suffered with diabetes, I wouldn’t be able to get up and go to work every day. I wouldn’t be able to write this blog every day. I wouldn’t be able to drive my car every day. I wouldn’t be able to take my dog for a walk. There’s no way I would have completed a uni degree. And I certainly wouldn’t be planning a holiday.

Yes, diabetes does cause frustrations, which I’ve written about many times. And sadly, some experience these frustrations more than others. Some become unwell because of diabetes. And sadly, some experience complications from diabetes. But the last thing we should be doing is attaching these negative, demoralising words to people with diabetes. We need to start using words that will empower people with diabetes. Words like…

“20% of the population are living with diabetes.”

“This product will help you to manage your diabetes.”

“He is a diabetes conquerer.”

“She is a diabetes warrior.”

To me, those are far more empowering words. I can only hope that we will see them more often.

Friday Feelings

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I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with Fridays.

Its my favourite day of the week, obviously. Waking up to my 6am alarm one last time followed by my speedy 40 minute routine of making the bed, getting dressed, having a slice of toast, a quick coffee and a brief catch up with the Twitter world before heading out the door by 6.40am. All to be followed by two days of being able to sleep in, take my time at the breakfast table and enjoy a leisurely morning.

I also look forward to Friday because its the day I normally deviate from my small home coffee with Equal sweetener and my semi healthy lunch of toast, fruit, nuts and tea. On a Friday its a large cappucino with 2 sugars from the coffee shop near work. At lunch time I’ll head to the food court where it’ll be something like coffee and a muffin or a burger and chips. If I’m feeling really generous, I’ll also grab an Iced Coffee, Boost Juice or Marvellous Creations chocolate bar. But it never seems to be able to end at the food court.

When I get home in the afternoon, I go through my usual motions of opening the cupboards and fridges. I don’t often have anything to eat in the afternoons these days. I’ve been eating junk food in the afternoons for most of my life, and I guess opening all the doors is just a habit that’s stuck with me. However, when I do this on a Friday, I can still taste the salt in my mouth or sugar on my tongue. Its a lasting reminder of the temptation that I indulged in today. A reminder of how I’ve thrown today out the window. Its justification enough to indulge in whatever is lying around in the cupboards – potato chips, lollies, chocolate or biscuits. I’ll think to myself, “why not.” I’ll think to myself, “the diet starts tomorrow.”

The worst part about all this is that I usually spoil my appetite for dinner (and probably Saturday morning brekky too), and I pay the price for it when I wake up and check my blood sugar levels on Saturday morning.

So, after indulging in some tempting food choices today, I’m sitting here at my desk this afternoon with my semi healthy coffee and nuts, writing about it. I’m hoping that today will be a better Friday, and a better start to the weekend.

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