Sweets

The Real Deal.

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I poured some dry packet mix into a mixing bowl on Sunday afternoon.

I added an egg and 40 grams of melted butter to the bowl, stirring it together with my wooden spoon watching it all combine together.

I scooped up little balls of this moist brown mixture, placing it carefully onto my baking tray 2cm apart. As I began to divvy up the remaining mixture among the 15 balls on my tray, my hands were beginning to feel sticky.

I had no temptation to lick any of the residual mixture that was stuck to my hands. I wasn’t even tempted to grab a small spoon from the kitchen drawer and devour all of the residual mixture stuck to the sides of the bowl.

As I opened the door to check on my creation that was baking away in the oven, there was absolutely no sweet aroma wafting its way towards my nostrils.

I kept poking and prodding at my browning vanilla almond biscuits, thinking that they felt far too soft for biscuits. After pulling them out of the oven and letting them cool for 15 minutes, they were still yet to harden despite having exceeded the cooking time. After putting them back into the oven for another ten minutes, I felt that I was at risk of burning them and switched it off.

As I later placed my cooled biscuits-that-didn’t-feel-like-biscuits into an airtight container, I was not even inclined to break one of these biscuits in half to taste. I sealed the lid and placed the container into my bag for the following day.

When I arrived at Monday evening’s meeting with my fellow Young Adult Diabetes Committee members, I placed the container of biscuits on the table. Despite watching my peers eat these biscuits and tell me that they were good, I didn’t really want one. Even knowing that the 1g carb count per biscuit would have minimal impact on my blood sugar couldn’t tempt me.

These vanilla almond biscuits that I had spent my Sunday afternoon baking were sugar free, sweetened with what I believed to be Stevia.

If this kind of baking is what you choose to do in managing your diabetes, then I completely support and respect you for doing so.

But if I am being absolutely honest, for me personally, low carb baking does not come anywhere close to the real deal.

I would much rather have those sweet smells wafting through my kitchen, lick my fingers clean, scoop residual doughy mixture from the side of my bowl, break a hot cookie in half, have the real taste of sugar on my tongue, swag bolus some insulin through it all and correct a high blood sugar afterwards.

Learning to Say ‘No’

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Learning to say ‘no’ around others is one of the most difficult challenges that I face in my day to day life with diabetes. Almost every day I come face to face with temptation from others. Whether it’s the offer of a mid morning coffee at work, the sweets that person brought in from home to try, or the array of dolce at our family get togethers. Temptation lies behind every corner I turn, and at any given time of the day. Its not something that I can easily escape.

I could accept that piece of mid morning cake. I could take the easy option out. I would be able to indulge in that chocolate fix that I know I really want. No questions will be asked. There’ll be no mention of the d word. Just sweet, simple pleasure.

But I know I’ll be spoiling my after breakfast blood sugar levels, which are usually good most days. I know I’ll have to try and make a subtle dash to the bathroom 10 minutes later and quickly jab in a shot of insulin. I know it’ll be a guesstimate. It might be too little. Or I might end up hypo later on. But, I won’t have to bring up that d word, again. I won’t have to answer questions, again.

Or I could take the harder option of trying to politely refuse that piece of mid morning cake. More than likely, I’ll have to refuse that offer again a second time. More insistently. I’ll be innocently asked “why not?” “What’s wrong?” “You don’t feel well?” And I’ll have to remind them that I have diabetes. Yet again. And I’ll have to explain what that means. Yet again. I’ll have to answer those “so, you can’t eat sugar” questions. Yet again. Yeah, my blood sugars will be great. Yeah, I won’t have to make that mad dash to the bathroom. And yeah, I guarantee myself stability for the rest of the morning.

But I’ll be reminded of just how much of an uphill battle I face by simply leaving the house every day. Of the hurdles I have to overcome just to keep my blood sugar levels steady day in, day out. Of what I’m missing out on because I have diabetes. Of the confidence I lack in talking about my diabetes more often and more enthusiastically to others. And of just how much diabetes unawareness there actually is out there.

I know the people around me mean well. I know they are not doing it to me on purpose. And I certainly don’t think my life with diabetes is terrible. But when I see those looks of sadness, looks of concern and looks of pity from others, it’s enough to bring me down. And it’s enough to ruin my attitude towards diabetes management for another day.