BGLs

Learning to Say ‘No’

4 Comments

Learning to say ‘no’ around others is one of the most difficult challenges that I face in my day to day life with diabetes. Almost every day I come face to face with temptation from others. Whether it’s the offer of a mid morning coffee at work, the sweets that person brought in from home to try, or the array of dolce at our family get togethers. Temptation lies behind every corner I turn, and at any given time of the day. Its not something that I can easily escape.

I could accept that piece of mid morning cake. I could take the easy option out. I would be able to indulge in that chocolate fix that I know I really want. No questions will be asked. There’ll be no mention of the d word. Just sweet, simple pleasure.

But I know I’ll be spoiling my after breakfast blood sugar levels, which are usually good most days. I know I’ll have to try and make a subtle dash to the bathroom 10 minutes later and quickly jab in a shot of insulin. I know it’ll be a guesstimate. It might be too little. Or I might end up hypo later on. But, I won’t have to bring up that d word, again. I won’t have to answer questions, again.

Or I could take the harder option of trying to politely refuse that piece of mid morning cake. More than likely, I’ll have to refuse that offer again a second time. More insistently. I’ll be innocently asked “why not?” “What’s wrong?” “You don’t feel well?” And I’ll have to remind them that I have diabetes. Yet again. And I’ll have to explain what that means. Yet again. I’ll have to answer those “so, you can’t eat sugar” questions. Yet again. Yeah, my blood sugars will be great. Yeah, I won’t have to make that mad dash to the bathroom. And yeah, I guarantee myself stability for the rest of the morning.

But I’ll be reminded of just how much of an uphill battle I face by simply leaving the house every day. Of the hurdles I have to overcome just to keep my blood sugar levels steady day in, day out. Of what I’m missing out on because I have diabetes. Of the confidence I lack in talking about my diabetes more often and more enthusiastically to others. And of just how much diabetes unawareness there actually is out there.

I know the people around me mean well. I know they are not doing it to me on purpose. And I certainly don’t think my life with diabetes is terrible. But when I see those looks of sadness, looks of concern and looks of pity from others, it’s enough to bring me down. And it’s enough to ruin my attitude towards diabetes management for another day.

Friday Feelings

8 Comments

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with Fridays.

Its my favourite day of the week, obviously. Waking up to my 6am alarm one last time followed by my speedy 40 minute routine of making the bed, getting dressed, having a slice of toast, a quick coffee and a brief catch up with the Twitter world before heading out the door by 6.40am. All to be followed by two days of being able to sleep in, take my time at the breakfast table and enjoy a leisurely morning.

I also look forward to Friday because its the day I normally deviate from my small home coffee with Equal sweetener and my semi healthy lunch of toast, fruit, nuts and tea. On a Friday its a large cappucino with 2 sugars from the coffee shop near work. At lunch time I’ll head to the food court where it’ll be something like coffee and a muffin or a burger and chips. If I’m feeling really generous, I’ll also grab an Iced Coffee, Boost Juice or Marvellous Creations chocolate bar. But it never seems to be able to end at the food court.

When I get home in the afternoon, I go through my usual motions of opening the cupboards and fridges. I don’t often have anything to eat in the afternoons these days. I’ve been eating junk food in the afternoons for most of my life, and I guess opening all the doors is just a habit that’s stuck with me. However, when I do this on a Friday, I can still taste the salt in my mouth or sugar on my tongue. Its a lasting reminder of the temptation that I indulged in today. A reminder of how I’ve thrown today out the window. Its justification enough to indulge in whatever is lying around in the cupboards – potato chips, lollies, chocolate or biscuits. I’ll think to myself, “why not.” I’ll think to myself, “the diet starts tomorrow.”

The worst part about all this is that I usually spoil my appetite for dinner (and probably Saturday morning brekky too), and I pay the price for it when I wake up and check my blood sugar levels on Saturday morning.

So, after indulging in some tempting food choices today, I’m sitting here at my desk this afternoon with my semi healthy coffee and nuts, writing about it. I’m hoping that today will be a better Friday, and a better start to the weekend.

DSC00532

Diabetes and Vices

8 Comments

Last Thursday morning, I finally willed myself to set the alarm for 4am and join in the Great Britain Diabetes Online Community Twitter Chat (#gbDOC). And I gotta say I wasn’t disappointed.

The topic was diabetes and vices. When I think of a vice, I instantly think of a bad habit. Something I use as an outlet to let off steam. Something that’s hard to break away from. Something that’s not good for me. So what is my main vice? Emotionally fuelled comfort eating. On a day where my diabetes management isn’t going well, my emotions take over my rational thinking. And I’ll eat. And eat. And eat.

The thing that fascinated me most was just how many other people’s vices were also food related. So why do I turn to food as my main vice? I think its a simple case of not being able to have those treats all the time with diabetes. It makes you want them more. Its like saying to a child ‘you can’t play with that toy.‘ They’ll end up wanting it more. They’ll chuck a tantrum. They’ll tell you they hate you. And they might even plan a rebellion to take it from you when you’re not watching. So bad blood sugar levels will give me the perfect excuse to turn towards those treats. Chocolate, potato chips, ice cream, lollies and biscuits. I’ll think to myself, ‘I’m trying so hard not to eat those foods and I’m still high – so what’s the point?’

Someone suggested that we weren’t being open enough about our non-food related vices. Well, that was an easy answer for me. Short answer: anger, shouting, slamming and punching. Long answer: read my post last week on Three Stages of Dealing With Hypo Grief (and trust me, its a good read!).

I think that if I didn’t have diabetes, my vices would be completely different (and perhaps not so food-related!) They might be things like drinking. Smoking. Gossiping. Swearing (well, I still do that sometimes…) But diabetes is such a big part of my life. I deal with it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. I think about it when I wake up. When I’m at work. When I’m eating. When I’m sitting in front of the telly. Even when I stir in the middle of the night. So, naturally, I have vices against my diabetes rather than other aspects of my life.

And, if my blood sugar levels were perfect 100 per cent of the time, I don’t think I would have any vices at all!

Join the Great Britain Diabetes Online Community Twitter Chat every Wednesday night at 9pm (GMT+1) by following the #gbDOC hashtag on Twitter.

Down Time

Leave a Comment

I woke up at a quarter to eleven on Saturday morning. It had to have been one of my all time records. I never sleep in that late. I aboslutely hate the idea of wasting half the day sleeping. And to top it all off, my blood sugar level was a beautiful 18.9 (insert swear word). Waking up at that level is one of the worst things that I experience with diabetes. Being that high for the 10 hours I’d been sleeping is a horrible thought. The guilt of the potential damage I am doing to my body. The frustration of not having forced myself up during the night to check.

All in all, it was a pretty lousy start to the day. But it was hardly unexpected. It had been a busy and eventful couple of days. There were a couple of mornings where I started work earlier than normal. And of course, I didn’t make the time to get to bed any earlier like I should have.

Battling end of the week exhaustion, we also celebrated my Dad’s birthday on Friday. This, of course, meant a lot of bolus worthy treats to indulge in. Not to mention the delicious dinner that went before it. I can remember Mum handing me my slice of cake, asking if it was too big. It was too big. But, not wanting to draw attention or pity to myself in front of guests, I insisted it was fine. I really should have said something.

So, back to Saturday. I felt groggy. Lousy. Guilt ridden. I did something I never do. Its the one thing that I probably haven’t done since just before I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went back to bed in the middle of the day. Last time I did this I was on the verge of being diagnosed with diabetes. I had lost my appetite, my energy and willingness to go about my day. Today, I wasn’t unwell. I just needed to recharge.

Gotta say, it was just so nice to pull the blankets up, stretch my legs out and rest my head on the soft pillow as my blood sugar levels came down. I had The Goldbergs playing on my laptop and a cup of tea by my side as the afternoon light was streaming in through the window.

Turns out some down time was was just what I needed. I got up a few hours later feeling completely refreshed. My blood sugar had come down to a perfect 6.6. And I was ready to start all over again.

Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief

14 Comments

I’m ashamed to admit that hypos have gotten the better of me in recent weeks. My diabetes management certainly isn’t as terrible as this post makes it look, but I definitely think what I go through during these times is too funny not to share (because we have to look back and laugh at ourselves, right?). So, here’s what I like to call my Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief.

Stage 1: Anger and Frustration

Going low is the most frustrating thing. And the more often it happens, the more you start to feel like you’re slipping into a hole. And the further down you get, the harder it is to find your footing and climb on out.

And during times like these, that frustration boils up to the point of anger. Like wanting to shout. Like wanting to slam the door. Like wanting to throw something against the wall. Like wanting to punch the wall as hard as I can. I want to feel the pain, so I have something physical to match my anger. I have a million different emotions boiled up inside of me that I need to let out.

Stage 2: Emotional Eating

So, the wave has finally crashed. I’ve let all of my hypo related frustrations and anger out of my system. My mind is finally ready to start processing what’s happened, and its also time to start thinking about fixing that hypo.

A hypo that I’m not expecting will really tug hard on my emotional heartstrings. Especially after a day where I felt I did my very best. I ate healthy. I thought very carefully about my insulin dose. I didn’t take a second helping at lunch. I didn’t have a snack in the afternoon. I tried so hard and yet I still failed. So what’s the point? Screw it. I reach for the most delicious thing I can find to cure my hypo. Like a bag of chips. A tub of ice cream. A box of chocolate. And I’ll sit on the couch and eat my hypo sorrow away. And no, not just the 20 grams to bring me back up into range. No, today I’m going to finish off the entire packet. Just because.

Stage 3: Acceptance and readiness to move on

So, I’ve gotten angry, and my emotions have taken over my rational thinking and I’m finally ready to move on. I’m ready to accept that sometimes diabetes is plain unpredictable. Sometimes we approach diabetes with the best of intentions. And yet we still don’t get the results we expect. Sometimes these things are just out of our control. And its our job to accept this, pick up the pieces and move on.