Hypers

Diabetes at 3.14am

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I stirred in my sleep, registering the blaring red 3.14 on the clock radio beside my bed. Pulling my left arm out from under the covers, I fumbled around for the switch at the base of my bedside lamp. When my desk was finally illuminated in cosy warm white light, I heaved the remainder of my body up from the bed, reaching for my meter and test strips.

This certainly wasn’t the number that I was expecting to see, considering the full 2 unit correction that I had given prior to bedtime for a 10.7. (And in case you’re wondering, I’m only using the OneTouch Verio to deplete my final box of strips…)

I immediately ripped my pump away from it’s resting place inside my inner left pocket, and gave another full correction of 3.3 units for that very uncomfortable number. My frustration was only further fuelling my actions, as I set a 50% basal rate increase for the next two hours on my pump to ensure that this correction insulin did its job.

As I flicked off the lamp and rested my body back onto my bed, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I could feel the heat emulating from my pillow, and flipped it over to the cool side. My whole body felt stuffy, presumably a consequence of the higher blood sugar.

As I lay there, tossing and turning, my mind was quickly consumed with guilt.

I wasn’t happy that it had taken me this long into the night to finally stir in my sleep and check my damn blood sugar. I felt terrible for the fact that I had been sitting there, at that very uncomfortable level, for the better part of five hours. I felt frustration, because a mere two weeks ago I was super insulin sensitive and today I feel like I’m not getting enough.

Second guessing my prior decision in the darkness, I reached for my pump and lowered that 50% temporary basal rate to 30% before clipping it back inside my pants pocket.

Trying to purge those thoughts from my mind, I began thinking about all of the positive things that I am doing in managing my diabetes, reminding myself that numbers like those are isolated occurences nowadays.

If this had happened in the middle of the day, I’d have corrected the high without giving it a second thought. But laying there in the middle of the night with nothing else on my mind to worry about, was a completely different story.

By the time I woke up on a grey Sunday morning, last night’s occurrences felt like nothing more than a dream.

Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief

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I’m ashamed to admit that hypos have gotten the better of me in recent weeks. My diabetes management certainly isn’t as terrible as this post makes it look, but I definitely think what I go through during these times is too funny not to share (because we have to look back and laugh at ourselves, right?). So, here’s what I like to call my Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief.

Stage 1: Anger and Frustration

Going low is the most frustrating thing. And the more often it happens, the more you start to feel like you’re slipping into a hole. And the further down you get, the harder it is to find your footing and climb on out.

And during times like these, that frustration boils up to the point of anger. Like wanting to shout. Like wanting to slam the door. Like wanting to throw something against the wall. Like wanting to punch the wall as hard as I can. I want to feel the pain, so I have something physical to match my anger. I have a million different emotions boiled up inside of me that I need to let out.

Stage 2: Emotional Eating

So, the wave has finally crashed. I’ve let all of my hypo related frustrations and anger out of my system. My mind is finally ready to start processing what’s happened, and its also time to start thinking about fixing that hypo.

A hypo that I’m not expecting will really tug hard on my emotional heartstrings. Especially after a day where I felt I did my very best. I ate healthy. I thought very carefully about my insulin dose. I didn’t take a second helping at lunch. I didn’t have a snack in the afternoon. I tried so hard and yet I still failed. So what’s the point? Screw it. I reach for the most delicious thing I can find to cure my hypo. Like a bag of chips. A tub of ice cream. A box of chocolate. And I’ll sit on the couch and eat my hypo sorrow away. And no, not just the 20 grams to bring me back up into range. No, today I’m going to finish off the entire packet. Just because.

Stage 3: Acceptance and readiness to move on

So, I’ve gotten angry, and my emotions have taken over my rational thinking and I’m finally ready to move on. I’m ready to accept that sometimes diabetes is plain unpredictable. Sometimes we approach diabetes with the best of intentions. And yet we still don’t get the results we expect. Sometimes these things are just out of our control. And its our job to accept this, pick up the pieces and move on.

I Am Obsessed With Perfect Blood Sugar Levels

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keep-calm-its-just-a-number-8

I think sometimes I can be over obsessed with the idea of perfect blood sugar levels. I am so obsessed that it takes over my thoughts and my actions.

Hyperglycemia. I absolutely HATE seeing a blood sugar level of, say, 20. It usually happens after a day of unhealthy eating. And other times its a complete suprise. It irritates me. It frustrates me. It angers me. It guilts me. It even cues scary thoughts of future diabetes complications. I’ll hastily grab my insulin pen, dial up a big dose, and jab it in. I know its too big of a dose, but I’m not thinking clearly. I just want to get my blood sugar levels back down to earth ASAP. And I’ll do anything to avoid seeing those numbers again. And more often than not, I’ll end up over bolusing just to ensure my blood sugar levels don’t peak that high. Which leads me to…

Hypos. Hypos make me feel weak. Tired. Powerless. Defeated. Seeing a hypo is disheartening, particularly on days where I feel I’ve done all the right things. Drenched in sweat, hands trembling, head spinning, I’ll reach for the jellybeans and start to shove them in my mouth. I hate them and the dry, sugary taste they leave on my tongue that will have me dying of thirst later on. Once I start to feel better, the feels of frustration and anger will begin to kick in. Screw it. I’ll get up and find the nicest, most sugary treat I can find comfort in. And before I know it, I’m right back where I started.

If there’s one thing I want to clean out, its my obsession with having perfect blood sugar levels. There’s no such thing. I don’t know of anyone who has perfect levels all the time. I need to accept that my blood sugars will rise and fall. I need to accept that some of the foods I eat will make my blood sugars spike higher than others. I need to stop testing five minutes after a meal and make drastic decisions to fix my blood sugar levels according to what I think they should be. I need to learn to be patient and wait for my blood sugar levels to come down naturally. And I need to accept that sometimes hypos happen, and I shouldn’t let them get the better of me.

Because if I don’t accept it all, I’ll be trapped in this vicious cycle forever.

I’ve written this post as a participant in Diabetes Blog Week 2015. Follow #dBlogWeek on Twitter for the latest updates from the event and participants.