Dealing with Diabetes

Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief

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I’m ashamed to admit that hypos have gotten the better of me in recent weeks. My diabetes management certainly isn’t as terrible as this post makes it look, but I definitely think what I go through during these times is too funny not to share (because we have to look back and laugh at ourselves, right?). So, here’s what I like to call my Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief.

Stage 1: Anger and Frustration

Going low is the most frustrating thing. And the more often it happens, the more you start to feel like you’re slipping into a hole. And the further down you get, the harder it is to find your footing and climb on out.

And during times like these, that frustration boils up to the point of anger. Like wanting to shout. Like wanting to slam the door. Like wanting to throw something against the wall. Like wanting to punch the wall as hard as I can. I want to feel the pain, so I have something physical to match my anger. I have a million different emotions boiled up inside of me that I need to let out.

Stage 2: Emotional Eating

So, the wave has finally crashed. I’ve let all of my hypo related frustrations and anger out of my system. My mind is finally ready to start processing what’s happened, and its also time to start thinking about fixing that hypo.

A hypo that I’m not expecting will really tug hard on my emotional heartstrings. Especially after a day where I felt I did my very best. I ate healthy. I thought very carefully about my insulin dose. I didn’t take a second helping at lunch. I didn’t have a snack in the afternoon. I tried so hard and yet I still failed. So what’s the point? Screw it. I reach for the most delicious thing I can find to cure my hypo. Like a bag of chips. A tub of ice cream. A box of chocolate. And I’ll sit on the couch and eat my hypo sorrow away. And no, not just the 20 grams to bring me back up into range. No, today I’m going to finish off the entire packet. Just because.

Stage 3: Acceptance and readiness to move on

So, I’ve gotten angry, and my emotions have taken over my rational thinking and I’m finally ready to move on. I’m ready to accept that sometimes diabetes is plain unpredictable. Sometimes we approach diabetes with the best of intentions. And yet we still don’t get the results we expect. Sometimes these things are just out of our control. And its our job to accept this, pick up the pieces and move on.

Welcome Back, Winter

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Happy first of June and happy first day of Winter! (well, if you live in the Southern Hemisphere that is…)

After some stormy weather, the cold nights and mild sunny days have set in nicely over the last week or so. I’m now heading to work in the dark with my car demister cranked up high and my jacket sleeves stretched well over my hands. If its really cold, you might even see smoke come out of my mouth as I inhale and exhale the cold air. The days can be quite pleasant, and I’m lucky that I do have some time after work to enjoy the afternoon sunshine.

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But the moment it disappears, that cold air sets in for the night once again. Time to crank up the heater and grab a blanket. Enjoy all the soups, roasts and other delicious comfort food that can be somewhat difficult to navigate through for someone with diabetes. And some fantastic sleeping weather.

Its by far my favourite time of year.

I know a lot of you will disagree. But where I live, the average temperature for much of January, February and March is well above 30 degrees. And if I’m lucky, there’ll be heatwaves of closer to 40 degrees. Its hot. Its uncomfortable, sweaty, lazy kind of weather where you can’t really be bothered doing anything. And the air-con just doesn’t seem to allow for a comfortable night’s sleep.

So what’s this got to do with diabetes, you ask? Well, the cold weather just gives me a positive mindset. And I like to think that positive mindset has somewhat of a halo effect on my diabetes management. I feel so much more active in the brisk weather. I feel more focussed. And I daresay that the brisk weather makes me work harder to get warm in the morning at work. That’s gotta be good for my blood sugar levels, right? And with a positive mindset, its much easier to embrace the highs and accept the lows of day to day life with diabetes.

That’s all I really wanted to say today. AND its a public holiday. Which means I’ll be able to take my time with my morning coffee and brekky this morning.

Bring on the next couple of months…

My Diabetes Superpowers

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I recently discovered that I have superpowers. Well, I’ve actually had them ever since I became a diabetic. But I’m only just starting to realise them, thanks to Tuesday’s OzDoc Twitter chat. And chances are, that if you’re a diabetic, you probably have them too!

Like being able to force myself out from under those cosy covers in the middle of the night to check my Blood Sugar Levels. Just to be sure that they are not too low. And not too high either. But just right.

Like waiting for the right moment to make a mad dash from the dinner table to the bathroom when I’m eating out. Dialing up a big dose of insulin for all that mouth watering food I probably shouldn’t have eaten and hoping for the best. Trying to dial up my insulin as quietly, as discreetly as I can so that person outside my cubicle won’t notice. Won’t think I’m a weirdo. Won’t think I’m taking drugs.

Like being able to check my blood sugar levels in stealth mode during the day. Concealing my meter under the desk or heading over to the corner of the room. And being able to hastily finish and quickly hide those items the moment I hear footsteps. The moment I hear voices. The moment I can sense that someone is near.

Like being either a super gifted mathematician or a really good guesser when it comes to the carbs in my food. Working out that golden formula that goes something like “if I’ve eaten x grams of carbs, that means I need x units of insulin.” And “if 1 unit of insulin brings my blood sugars down by 3 mmol/L, then I need x units of insulin to bring me back in range.”

And being able to pick myself up again after a low point. After some diabetes related frustration. After some anger. After some shouting. Even after slamming things. Even after comfort eating. All without even letting it show to those around me. And being able to start all over again.

But above all of these ‘superpowers,’ I believe that just being able to live and deal with something as dynamic as diabetes day in, day out sure is worthy of superhero status in itself.

And the superpower I’m still waiting for? A personal diabetes assistant who can carb count, bolus, test me while I’m asleep and correct for me!

I couldn’t be more thrilled that I’ve finally realised my superpowers. I’m afraid I have to leave you now and use those mathematics superpowers to rescue my blood sugar levels from today’s breakfast!

Join the Oz Diabetes Online Community chat every Tuesday night at 8.30pm AEST by following the #OzDoc hashtag on Twitter.

Bolussing For My Birthday

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On Friday I celebrated my birthday. For most of you that would mean birthday cake, a delicious dinner, alcohol and lots of tempting treats. I, however, have type 1 diabetes. And for me, those material things just aren’t important. I like to look at the bigger picture. Having good blood sugar levels. Good control of my diabetes.

I woke up with a blood sugar level of 5.0 and it stayed in that range for much of the day. And I’m very proud of that. For breakfast I enjoyed a slice of toast and an unsweetened coffee. For lunch it was a delicious green salad and a bottle of water. At dinner there wasn’t a drop of alcohol on the table. And to top it all off, a delicious sugar free cake.

Pffft! Like diabetes will ever stop me from enjoying a real birthday.

For morning tea it was Coffees, Peanut Butter Tim Tams and chocolate covered Profiteroles. It was Red Rooster and Boost Juice for lunch. And I had dinner made to order (thanks Mum!) of Pasta Bake and Black Forrest Cake.

Can’t really complain about the presents either (and no, I’m not 21!).

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A jar of Byron Bay Cookies that I’ve been eyeing longingly for months, some unlucky scratchies and a brand new Sony DRX-100 digital camera. I really can’t sing this camera’s praises enough – it took me 5 shots to get the perfect snap instead of the usual 50!

Even though this past year has seemed a little slow moving, I’ve got a lot to be proud of. I’ve finally started a blog, something I wanted to do for years. And in the process I ignited a whole new passion for diabetes that I never knew was there. I work with a great group of people who are like a second family to me. I have my actual family who always believe in me and support me, even through the times that I don’t believe in myself. And I’ve successfully navigated my way through another year with type 1 diabetes. That deserves a gold medal in itself!

Diabetes is a job that employs me 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year. There is no annual leave, no sick days and I can’t leave it on the desk at 5 o’clock and go home. So I think I’m damn well entitled to one day where I can just have a “rest” from it all. And I bolussed. And bolussed. And bolussed.

Changing The Way I Think About Hypos

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If I’m being completely honest, I’ve been having a few too many hypos lately. Its either happening after a meal, or much to my frustration, at bedtime.

I’ll sneak into the kitchen and try to grab a couple of biscuits from the pantry without Mum or Dad noticing. I don’t want them to think that I’m unhealthy or that I’m not taking care of myself. They’re either thinking that I’m purposely binging on foods that are no good for my blood sugars, or that I’m having another hypo. Either way, I don’t want their pity. I don’t want their concerns. And I don’t want them to think that my diabetes isn’t under control.

But I think the thing that really puts a damper on my hypos at the moment is the prospect of having to shove more jellybeans into my mouth. I’m absolutely sick to death of bloody jellybeans. The way they spoil my freshly brushed teeth and clean mouth. The little pieces that get stuck on my retainer. The dry aftertaste they leave on my tongue. And if I go to sleep, my throat will be so dry by the time I wake up that I’ll be dying of thirst.

That horrible dry aftertaste that lingers on my tongue well into the next morning is a lasting reminder of that hypo. Its a lasting reminder of the frustration and anger I felt when having to deal with that hypo. A lasting reminder of all the frustrations I have in dealing with diabetes each day. And a lasting reminder of my failure to better control my blood sugar levels.

When I go into the chemist and buy that big 1kg bag of jellybeans, I am reminded of all the hypos I’ve been through since I was there last. I feel so small. So guilty. And it leaves me with very little motivation to work harder, to avoid going through it again. I’m trapped in a bit of a vicious cycle.

I need to change the way I think about my hypos if I ever hope to get out of that vicious cycle of history repeating itself each day. And then I remembered something my diabetes educator used to say to me.

“You should treat a hypo with something you enjoy.”

Inspired by that quote, I really hope my three new hypo choices will leave me feeling a little bit satisfied and a little more positive. I am really hoping that next time a hypo rolls around I won’t feel so angry, so frustrated, like wanting to punch the wall. Because right now, more than anything, I need to get out of this vicious cycle.

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Powerade. Sports drinks/energy drinks are loaded with sugar, right? I’ve heard it countless times. This one’s a pretty good choice for work (where I’m on my feet all day) too, because I can bring it out without drawing too much attention/diabetes pity towards myself.

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Arnott’s Nice Biscuits.

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If you’ve been living under a rock and never heard of them, they’re basically biscuits with even more sugar on top (just in case there wasn’t enough sugar inside, right?).

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And my favourite pick, Pascall Marshmallows. Similar to jellybeans, its almost entirely made up of sugar and glucose – the perfect combo for combatting a hypo!

And most importantly, they’re not jellybeans!