Dealing with Diabetes

Changing The Way I Think About Hypos

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If I’m being completely honest, I’ve been having a few too many hypos lately. Its either happening after a meal, or much to my frustration, at bedtime.

I’ll sneak into the kitchen and try to grab a couple of biscuits from the pantry without Mum or Dad noticing. I don’t want them to think that I’m unhealthy or that I’m not taking care of myself. They’re either thinking that I’m purposely binging on foods that are no good for my blood sugars, or that I’m having another hypo. Either way, I don’t want their pity. I don’t want their concerns. And I don’t want them to think that my diabetes isn’t under control.

But I think the thing that really puts a damper on my hypos at the moment is the prospect of having to shove more jellybeans into my mouth. I’m absolutely sick to death of bloody jellybeans. The way they spoil my freshly brushed teeth and clean mouth. The little pieces that get stuck on my retainer. The dry aftertaste they leave on my tongue. And if I go to sleep, my throat will be so dry by the time I wake up that I’ll be dying of thirst.

That horrible dry aftertaste that lingers on my tongue well into the next morning is a lasting reminder of that hypo. Its a lasting reminder of the frustration and anger I felt when having to deal with that hypo. A lasting reminder of all the frustrations I have in dealing with diabetes each day. And a lasting reminder of my failure to better control my blood sugar levels.

When I go into the chemist and buy that big 1kg bag of jellybeans, I am reminded of all the hypos I’ve been through since I was there last. I feel so small. So guilty. And it leaves me with very little motivation to work harder, to avoid going through it again. I’m trapped in a bit of a vicious cycle.

I need to change the way I think about my hypos if I ever hope to get out of that vicious cycle of history repeating itself each day. And then I remembered something my diabetes educator used to say to me.

“You should treat a hypo with something you enjoy.”

Inspired by that quote, I really hope my three new hypo choices will leave me feeling a little bit satisfied and a little more positive. I am really hoping that next time a hypo rolls around I won’t feel so angry, so frustrated, like wanting to punch the wall. Because right now, more than anything, I need to get out of this vicious cycle.

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Powerade. Sports drinks/energy drinks are loaded with sugar, right? I’ve heard it countless times. This one’s a pretty good choice for work (where I’m on my feet all day) too, because I can bring it out without drawing too much attention/diabetes pity towards myself.

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Arnott’s Nice Biscuits.

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If you’ve been living under a rock and never heard of them, they’re basically biscuits with even more sugar on top (just in case there wasn’t enough sugar inside, right?).

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And my favourite pick, Pascall Marshmallows. Similar to jellybeans, its almost entirely made up of sugar and glucose – the perfect combo for combatting a hypo!

And most importantly, they’re not jellybeans!

 

I Am Obsessed With Perfect Blood Sugar Levels

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I think sometimes I can be over obsessed with the idea of perfect blood sugar levels. I am so obsessed that it takes over my thoughts and my actions.

Hyperglycemia. I absolutely HATE seeing a blood sugar level of, say, 20. It usually happens after a day of unhealthy eating. And other times its a complete suprise. It irritates me. It frustrates me. It angers me. It guilts me. It even cues scary thoughts of future diabetes complications. I’ll hastily grab my insulin pen, dial up a big dose, and jab it in. I know its too big of a dose, but I’m not thinking clearly. I just want to get my blood sugar levels back down to earth ASAP. And I’ll do anything to avoid seeing those numbers again. And more often than not, I’ll end up over bolusing just to ensure my blood sugar levels don’t peak that high. Which leads me to…

Hypos. Hypos make me feel weak. Tired. Powerless. Defeated. Seeing a hypo is disheartening, particularly on days where I feel I’ve done all the right things. Drenched in sweat, hands trembling, head spinning, I’ll reach for the jellybeans and start to shove them in my mouth. I hate them and the dry, sugary taste they leave on my tongue that will have me dying of thirst later on. Once I start to feel better, the feels of frustration and anger will begin to kick in. Screw it. I’ll get up and find the nicest, most sugary treat I can find comfort in. And before I know it, I’m right back where I started.

If there’s one thing I want to clean out, its my obsession with having perfect blood sugar levels. There’s no such thing. I don’t know of anyone who has perfect levels all the time. I need to accept that my blood sugars will rise and fall. I need to accept that some of the foods I eat will make my blood sugars spike higher than others. I need to stop testing five minutes after a meal and make drastic decisions to fix my blood sugar levels according to what I think they should be. I need to learn to be patient and wait for my blood sugar levels to come down naturally. And I need to accept that sometimes hypos happen, and I shouldn’t let them get the better of me.

Because if I don’t accept it all, I’ll be trapped in this vicious cycle forever.

I’ve written this post as a participant in Diabetes Blog Week 2015. Follow #dBlogWeek on Twitter for the latest updates from the event and participants.

Why I Keep Diabetes To Myself

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A couple of weeks ago, I poured all of my diabetes related thoughts and frustrations going through my head into a post titled ‘The Things I Don’t Tell You About My Diabetes (click here to read).‘ I think its one of the best posts on this blog to date if I may say so myself. It was so good that it was even featured on DiabetesMine‘s April Blogosphere wrap up. It’s definitely worth a read if you have a spare moment, as it ties in nicely with today’s dBlog week topic.

But I’m not cheating myself out of some original thoughts either! Keep reading…

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 17, so I’ve never really needed any help from my parents in managing my condition. Once I overcame my first year and things settled down, diabetes just became something that I kept to myself. I didn’t often talk about it with my family. I never complained to them about it. I just get on with the job on my own.

From time to time, Mum will ask me how my blood sugar levels are going. And that question always makes me uncomfortable. It puts me under pressure. It annoys me. I’ll always start my answer with ums and ahs and try to make my answers as vague as possible. And why? Because my blood sugar levels aren’t perfect. They never are. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs. There will be weeks where things are smooth sailing and other weeks where my eating habits go wayside and its hard to pick myself back up.

And I feel guilty and embarassed to tell my Mum that. My parents are my rock, the two people who have always unwaveringly loved and supported me. And in a way I feel as though I am letting them down in admitting that things aren’t perfect. But I know Mum isn’t asking me to be a nag. Or to judge me. She just does it because she loves me and she cares about me. She takes an interest in me. (Or, at least that’s the job she signed up for when she decided to have me!)

But I think the real reason I keep it to myself is to avoid facing the truth. Imperfect diabetes management doesn’t become a reality until those words come out of my mouth. Until they are spoken out loud, I don’t have to face that I’m letting myself down. I don’t have to feel unhealthy. Guilty. Depressed. Worried. So long as I keep it to myself, I can stay in my perfect bubble.

Talking is healthy. And if there is one thing that has come from starting this blog, its the fact that I’m more focussed on diabetes. I’ve become even more passionate about it. And when you’re passionate about something, you want to pour your blood, sweat and tears into it. And I can’t wait to go home and share it with the people I care most about.

I’ve written this post as a participant in Diabetes Blog Week 2015. Follow #dBlogWeek on Twitter for the latest updates from the event and participants.

I Can…Better Understand My Food Choices

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If there’s one good thing that’s come from my friend Diabetes, its the fact that its made me better understand my food choices.

Growing up, my parents had junk food in the house for us to snack on. We had biscuits in the morning and potato chips, lollies, chocolate, ice cream and soft drink after school (not all in one hit!). I can still remember politely asking Mum if it was okay to open “something special,” which is what we used to call junk food. Don’t get me wrong, its not like we were an unhealthy family. We had home packed lunches during the day and home cooked meals at night. Its just that we never had any restrictions on junk food from Mum and Dad.

And ever since, I’ve had to have “something special” in the afternoons. Its become a subconscious habit that’s been impossible to break away from. Whether I was home at three, four or five o’clock, I still had to open that cupboard and grab a packet of chips. That is, until Diabetes came along.

I never used to even think about junk food, or any of the foods I was eating and its impact on my health. And yet now, diabetes has opened my mind to the food choices I make. I liken it to this particular episode of How I Met Your Mother. Everyone had their annoying habits – Lily crunched loudly, Ted over corrected people, Marshall sang about everything he was doing, Robin overused the word ‘literally’ and Barney spaced out when people spoke to him. And nobody ever noticed these habits until an outsider pointed them out, ‘shattering’ the gang’s perfect illusions of each other.

Diabetes has made me far more aware of my food choices than I ever was before. I actually read the nutrition information on the products that I buy in the supermarket. I understand the effects that carbs, fat and sugars in my food will have on my body and blood sugar levels. And after lots of experience, I have learned how to respond appropriately.

Now I only eat salad and drink water. The fridge is full of fresh fruit and veggies and there is no junk food to be found in the house. Ha! Yeah right!

But I really do think about my food choices now. I’ll still open the cupboards most afternoons and stare at the tempting goodies in there. But I’ll also think about the repercussions afterwards – like feelings of guilt and depression, being too full for dinner, and delayed blood sugar spikes by bedtime.

One of the biggest hurdles I’ve overcome thanks to diabetes is the junk foods that I used to eat on a daily basis. Potato chips and ice cream, that I used to eat every day, I might have about once a week. Now, I’ll do my best to satisfy the urge for an afternoon snack in ways other than junk food. Sometimes I’ll have a nice coffee or cup of tea to keep my mouth occupied. Other days I’ll have crackers and cheese with a handful of nuts.

But I’m certainly no Saint. I still nibble on chocolate most days (my biggest weakness), and I buy my lunch from the food court every Friday. I still end up overdoing it on special occasions like morning teas, eating out and on lazy days. More than I’d like to admit.

But I understand what I’m eating. I know how to react. And that’s all that really matters.

I’ve written this post as a participant in Diabetes Blog Week 2015. Follow #dBlogWeek on Twitter for the latest updates from the event and participants.

The Things I Don’t Tell You About My Diabetes

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Inspiration has struck me at bedtime on this Monday night at the end of a long weekend, after mulling over something to write for much of the day. And I know I won’t be able to get to sleep until I’ve put pen to paper. Or, in this case, fingers to keyboard.

Yesterday on the Coffee and Insulin blog, author Sarah shared her thoughts on diabetes before her diagnosis at age 13 – which was basically vague, unsubstantial ideas about a disease she didn’t need to know about at the time. And over the past week, I’ve been watching Twitter explode with #IWishPeopleKnewThatDiabetes tweets. Inspired by Kelly of the Diabetesaliciousness blog, people have been sharing their thoughts using the hashtag to raise diabetes awareness.

And it got me to thinking about my own very complex diabetic life. There are so many aspects of my daily life that those around me would have absolutely no idea about. Of course most people around me know that I check my blood sugar levels and inject myself with insulin. But what about all those other invisible things that nobody ever sees, the things I choose to keep to myself.

Thoughts. Its been almost five years since I’ve been able go to bed without being plagued with worrying thoughts. What will my blood sugar level be in an hours time? In two hours? Four hours? Tomorrow morning? Do I still have active insulin in my system from dinner? How much more am I likely to drop? Will I go hypo? Or will my blood sugar rise later on because of the fatty food I had earlier?

Hypos. Being woken up at 2am drenched in sweat and shaking like mad. The frustration of having to open my eyes and get up from my comfy position under the covers. I know I’m hypo, but I’ll still reach for my meter just to be sure. Yep. I’ll reach for the bag of jellybeans sitting beside my bed, begrudgingly shoving them into my mouth. I hate them. The dry, sugary taste that will stick to my tongue for hours and leave my throat dry. I’ll be dying for a drink by the time I wake up. And then I’ll have to fall asleep all over again.

Hypers. Waking up in the morning thinking of one number while my meter is showing something ridiculous like 20. I’m so furious, so frustrated at the thought of my blood sugar being that high for that long. Then cue the scary thoughts of diabetes complications and damage I’ve done to my body. Desperate to being my blood sugars down ASAP, I’ll dial up a big dose of insulin. Only to find a few hours later that I’ve overcorrected and am hypo instead.

And then there’s those public situations. Like Work. Having to refuse that spontaneous treat that my workmate has brought in to share, and then being asked why not. Or accepting it and then racing back to the bathroom for a quick jab of insulin while nobody is around. And then waiting for that private moment to test my blood sugar level away from prying eyes. I’m doing myself a favour. Saving myself from that conversation where I’m asked if I can’t eat sugar and told stories about that friend or relative who has diabetes too.

But I take it all in my stride. I don’t complain to my family. I don’t tell those well meaning conversationalists to shut up. I just deal with it. And most of the time, I dont even stop to actually think about what I’m doing. Its just something I have to do. Its a part of being me.

Well, its 11.52pm and I really should go to sleep. If you do want to hear more about me in real time, you can find me on Twitter @FrankSita. I’m always keen to connect with fellow people with diabetes, and bloggers out there. Cheers.