Guilt

Diabetes at 3.14am

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I stirred in my sleep, registering the blaring red 3.14 on the clock radio beside my bed. Pulling my left arm out from under the covers, I fumbled around for the switch at the base of my bedside lamp. When my desk was finally illuminated in cosy warm white light, I heaved the remainder of my body up from the bed, reaching for my meter and test strips.

This certainly wasn’t the number that I was expecting to see, considering the full 2 unit correction that I had given prior to bedtime for a 10.7. (And in case you’re wondering, I’m only using the OneTouch Verio to deplete my final box of strips…)

I immediately ripped my pump away from it’s resting place inside my inner left pocket, and gave another full correction of 3.3 units for that very uncomfortable number. My frustration was only further fuelling my actions, as I set a 50% basal rate increase for the next two hours on my pump to ensure that this correction insulin did its job.

As I flicked off the lamp and rested my body back onto my bed, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I could feel the heat emulating from my pillow, and flipped it over to the cool side. My whole body felt stuffy, presumably a consequence of the higher blood sugar.

As I lay there, tossing and turning, my mind was quickly consumed with guilt.

I wasn’t happy that it had taken me this long into the night to finally stir in my sleep and check my damn blood sugar. I felt terrible for the fact that I had been sitting there, at that very uncomfortable level, for the better part of five hours. I felt frustration, because a mere two weeks ago I was super insulin sensitive and today I feel like I’m not getting enough.

Second guessing my prior decision in the darkness, I reached for my pump and lowered that 50% temporary basal rate to 30% before clipping it back inside my pants pocket.

Trying to purge those thoughts from my mind, I began thinking about all of the positive things that I am doing in managing my diabetes, reminding myself that numbers like those are isolated occurences nowadays.

If this had happened in the middle of the day, I’d have corrected the high without giving it a second thought. But laying there in the middle of the night with nothing else on my mind to worry about, was a completely different story.

By the time I woke up on a grey Sunday morning, last night’s occurrences felt like nothing more than a dream.

The What-ifs of the Festive Season

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It’s that time of the year. Food, festivities, end of year exhaustion, and the promise of a fresh start come January 1. Add to that a nasty throat infection that I’m only just getting over, and the unpredictable glucose levels that have come with it.

This is a time of year where I have traditionally cruised along with my diabetes management, pushing all of my “priorities” back to January 1. It’s during this time, as I’m cruising along, that the diabetes what-ifs begin to cross my mind.

What if I had eaten less junk this year?

What if I had been motivated to count my carbs, and weigh my food more often?

What if I had been able to keep my blood sugar levels stable through the night more often?

What if I was able to log my readings and doses and look for trends more often?

What if I’m never able to get this right?

These feelings of guilt cross my mind moreso during the festive season, when I’m likely to be found ho-ing into plates of leftover desert in the days after Christmas and reflecting on the year gone.

This year, I do feel massively lighter. I still feel exhausted, but it’s more of a normal person exhaustion than diabetes exhaustion. It’s weirdly refreshing. It’s been a good year for my diabetes. I have made some impressive strides in my management. I’m in a place that I thought was impossible this time last year.

No, things are not perfect. There are still highs. There are still lows. And I’d be lying if I said that there aren’t still some what-ifs crossing my mind this year. I think we all feel that there is always more that we could do for our diabetes.

So, I’m challenging myself not to think about the what-ifs over the next couple of weeks. I’m really just looking forward to putting my feet up this festive season, and appreciating all of the things I have been able to accomplish in 2016. Diabetes, and otherwise.

I’ll likely be dialling up big doses of insulin, and using temporary basal rates on my insulin pump to help me cruise through the Christmas eating a little easier. I’ll be monitoring my blood sugar a little more often, but the focus will be more on enjoying myself than the numbers themselves.

If you’d like to spare a thought for those who don’t have the luxury of insulin this Christmas, consider making a donation to T1International or Spare a Rose. Both organisations advocate for, and provide insulin to people with diabetes in need all over the world.

While many Offices and workplaces have the luxury of a break over Christmas and New Years, spare a thought for those in industries such as hospitality, retail and health care who sacrifice time with their loved ones to serve us during the festive season.

Finally, dear readers. Merry Christmas. Thanks for reading Type 1 Writes this year. Wishing you a very happy, and safe festive season. See you in 2017!

– Frank