Friday Feelings

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I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with Fridays.

Its my favourite day of the week, obviously. Waking up to my 6am alarm one last time followed by my speedy 40 minute routine of making the bed, getting dressed, having a slice of toast, a quick coffee and a brief catch up with the Twitter world before heading out the door by 6.40am. All to be followed by two days of being able to sleep in, take my time at the breakfast table and enjoy a leisurely morning.

I also look forward to Friday because its the day I normally deviate from my small home coffee with Equal sweetener and my semi healthy lunch of toast, fruit, nuts and tea. On a Friday its a large cappucino with 2 sugars from the coffee shop near work. At lunch time I’ll head to the food court where it’ll be something like coffee and a muffin or a burger and chips. If I’m feeling really generous, I’ll also grab an Iced Coffee, Boost Juice or Marvellous Creations chocolate bar. But it never seems to be able to end at the food court.

When I get home in the afternoon, I go through my usual motions of opening the cupboards and fridges. I don’t often have anything to eat in the afternoons these days. I’ve been eating junk food in the afternoons for most of my life, and I guess opening all the doors is just a habit that’s stuck with me. However, when I do this on a Friday, I can still taste the salt in my mouth or sugar on my tongue. Its a lasting reminder of the temptation that I indulged in today. A reminder of how I’ve thrown today out the window. Its justification enough to indulge in whatever is lying around in the cupboards – potato chips, lollies, chocolate or biscuits. I’ll think to myself, “why not.” I’ll think to myself, “the diet starts tomorrow.”

The worst part about all this is that I usually spoil my appetite for dinner (and probably Saturday morning brekky too), and I pay the price for it when I wake up and check my blood sugar levels on Saturday morning.

So, after indulging in some tempting food choices today, I’m sitting here at my desk this afternoon with my semi healthy coffee and nuts, writing about it. I’m hoping that today will be a better Friday, and a better start to the weekend.

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Hospital Memories

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On what would be my last morning in hospital after being diagnosed with diabetes, part of me couldn’t wait to go home. Even though I’d only been there for 5 days, it felt like an ordeal that had dragged on for weeks and weeks. The problem was, I could barely remember what home actually felt like. I could barely remember my life beyond those long corridors buzzing with doctors, nurses, visitors and patients at all hours of the day. Life beyond the hospital cafeteria, auxiliary shop, vending machines and coffee carts. That a world actually existed beyond that campus filled with traffic, cranes, helicopters and portable fences.

I had forgotten what life was like without having a nurse walking in every hour to check my blood sugar levels. Without having the trolley come past at breakfast, lunch and dinner time to take our orders. Having the doctors come past every morning to do their rounds. Having visitors come to see me every day. Being able to stay in pyjamas all day. Being able to sit in bed at 3pm and read the magazines people had brought me. Sneaking downstairs to explore those long corridors once the nurses disappeared. Being delivered a white-bread ham and cheese sandwich at bedtime, just in case I went hypo through the night. Hearing old Mr. Giglia across from me coughing, groaning and spluttering every 5 minutes. And laughing at some of those difficult patients I could hear from across the hallway!

In the short 5 days that I was there, I had formed a strange attachment to my hospital surroundings that had began to feel somewhat like home. Part of me felt quite comfortable sitting in that hospital bed at 9.30am on that Thursday morning watching Bones. That part of me didn’t quite feel ready to step outside into that cold, cloudy May morning and return to everyday life. Which for me, would be a new life. A life with type 1 diabetes.

When I was told I could go home, I wasn’t excited. I was hesitant. Uncertain. Nervous and scared at the same time. All of those medical ‘elves’ were about to fade into thin air and I would be left to deal with this diabetes thing all on my own. They wouldn’t let me wait for Mum to come, they were ready to force me into a wheelchair and send me to the outpatient lounge. They didn’t even leave me with enough supplies to see the rest of the day out.

As I sat there at the bus stop on that blustery, grey May morning waiting for my ride home, I didn’t know what the future would hold. I only wish I could go and sit next to that innocent, nervous 17 year old boy and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

Access to Supplies Isn’t a Question, It’s a Right

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My Blood Glucose Meter is one of the most important things in my life. Its one of the first things that I see on my bedside table when I wake up in the morning. I’ll zip it up securely in its little black case and tuck it safely in my satchel, where it will accompany me on my daily commute. I’ll open my satchel again before I start the car, just to make sure that its there. When I get to work, I’ll place it carefully on the shelf in my locker. It patiently sits there for much of the day, ready to be at my service as much or as little as I need it. Before morning tea. Before lunch. As a post-lunchtime reassurance. If I start to sweat or shake uncontrollably. At the end of the day, I’ll tuck it safely back into my satchel, before it finds its familiar place back on my bedside table at home.

When I’m dealing with a disease that is unpredictable and ever-changing, numbers are always on my mind. They plague me throughout the day. They plague me when eat. They even plague me when I stir in the middle of the night. I’m constantly questioning myself. Thinking to myself. Doubting myself. ‘I wonder what my blood sugar level is right now? Did I give myself enough insulin at lunchtime? How much will I drop in the next hour? Am I feeling hypo? No, it must just be this afternoon’s task that’s exhausting me. Wait, maybe I am hypo? No, no way. Well, maybe…’

Last week alone I had 58 moments of uncertainty. Last fortnight there were 125. And in the last month there were 257 of them. And I have this one little device that has the power to sweep my mind clean of all the thought processes scattered there. To dismiss all of my concerns and rid me of my fears. To keep me grounded. To keep me sane. One little prick produces a number and I’m empowered again. I feel secure. I’m back in control. I know how to react.

I consider myself pretty lucky here in Oz to have unlimited access to blood glucose meter test strips, needles and other non-medication products that I use on a daily basis to manage my diabetes. Since registering with the National Diabetes Services Scheme (NDSS) upon diagnosis, I have been able to get my diabetes stuff at a heavily subsidised cost, without a doctor’s prescription, whenever I like. As little or as much as I feel I need it in order to manage my condition.

So, I’m pretty devastated to hear that some Aussies with type 2 diabetes are about to have that freedom taken away from them. If their diabetes is not treated with insulin, it will be up to their doctor to decide whether they will benefit from blood glucose monitoring after an initial 6 month supply of test strips.

Yes, a type 2 would not use blood glucose monitoring as much as a type 1. But I’ve no doubt that they would go through those exact same feelings and thought processes. I’ve no doubt that at some point during the day, the week or the month, a type 2 would need to rely on the security of a blood glucose test. If they’ve eaten something different at dinner. If they’ve done more exercise than normal. If they’re not feeling well. Diabetes causes A LOT of uncertainty.

Its like being handed a box of test strips and being told “you have 6 months to get your diabetes under control.” And then in 6 months your blood glucose meter is taken away and you’re told “you now have to keep your blood sugar levels between 4 and 8 all the time.”

Diabetes is not something that we can always “get” under control in 6 months, let alone maintain all the time. Our lifestyles are ever changing – work, travel, diet, families, physical activity – all of which have significant impacts on our diabetes. Doctors aren’t by our side 24 hours a day to see, let alone understand, what we’re going through. The only person who knows you best, is you.

We are blessed to have all of these fantastic tools available today to help us manage our diabetes. For many, a blood glucose meter gives us a sense of security and control. It should never be a question of who gets them. I only wish the people making these decisions would understand.

Source: The inspiration for this story came from Renza at the Diabetogenic blog. There are more details about this decision process over on her blog.

Diabetes and Me

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Happy Diabetes Week to all of my d-friends in the UK! This year’s theme is “Diabetes and Me,” and asks us to think about how we manage our condition and live life to the full.

The one single thing that helps me to live life to the full every day is attitude. While diabetes has caused A LOT of frustration over the years, I don’t think I’ve ever spent my time wishing diabetes away. As angry as I might be, I’ve never cursed or blamed that setback on diabetes. I don’t walk around with a chip on my shoulder or attaching any stigma to myself. Diabetes is a reality that’s not going away anytime soon. Its something I’ve accepted.

I suppose I credit this to being hospitalised upon diagnosis (click here to read my diagnosis story). I had all sorts of horrible symptoms – lethargy, weight loss, urination, loss of saliva, excessive thirst, loss of appetite and panting. I honestly thought I might die. So, by the time I was diagnosed with diabetes in hospital I didn’t really care that much. I was just so relieved that all those symptoms had gone away. I had saliva and I could eat again!

In fact, most days I never really think of myself as a person who has diabetes. When I’m testing myself or injecting insulin, I never think too much about what I’m doing or why I have to do it. Its sort of become something that I subconsciously have to do and deal with.

Diabetes is one of the craziest, ever changing, emotional rollercoaster of experiences in my life. Its something that I fit into my life, and not the other way around.

I’ve graduated from uni.

I’ve cut down Christmas trees.

I’ve celebrated birthdays and enjoyed more than my fair share of cake.

And then there’s times where I’m still a child at heart (worth it!).

And when I remind myself that I have experienced all of these things with type 1 diabetes, it makes the victory even sweeter.

Diabetes Week UK runs from June 14 to June 20, 2015. Find out more about the event on the Diabetes UK website, and get involved by using the hashtag #DiabetesAndMe on social media.

A Day’s Worth of (Healthy) Drinking

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I’ve developed some pretty healthy drinking habits since I was diagnosed with diabetes 5 years ago. AND I’ve maintained them. Carb loaded drinks rarely tempt me in the same way that food does. And my favourite thing about healthy fluids is that they help me to bridge the gap inbetween meals when I am tempted to snack.

My day has to start with a coffee. I’ve become a bit of a coffee snob since purchasing a coffee capsule machine a few months ago, and this is now the only coffee I will drink. A single shot of espresso topped with around 200ml of Reduced Fat Milk and 1 equal sweetener tablet.

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Most days I stick to one coffee, although on Fridays I am frequently found guilty of buying a large cappuccino with 2 sugars. It also doesn’t help that the coffee shop outside work is currently doing happy hour free coffee from 2 to 3pm this month!

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I used to drink Cordial before I was diagnosed with diabetes, mainly because I didn’t really like the plain taste of water. However, now I only drink water with my meals. The purpose of a drink at the dinner table is to wash down my food, rather than for the taste. And I usually go through 2-3 glasses at dinner, which adds up to a lot if its got carbs in it too. I figure that if I’m going to have a flavoured drink, I’ll do it at a time where I’ll be able to enjoy it. I also have a water bottle on me throughout the day to keep me hydrated, although I find I am drinking less now that its Winter.

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I usually drink tea throughout the day, particularly as a distraction when I’m feeling peckish. Which is pretty ironic, considering I used to make fun of Mum and Dad for always having cuppas. It went something like “How can you feel like having a scathing hot cuppa when you first wake up?” And now I’ve become the biggest cuppa person. I drink Lipton black tea or Twinings English Breakfast, with 1 equal tablet and some milk.

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For the occasional afternoon treat it’s usually a can of Coke Zero. I wasn’t a huge soft drink person before diabetes. But funnily enough, Coke was one of the first things I demanded after I was diagnosed with diabetes in hospital. At most I might have it once a week, maybe more often during the Summer and when I eat out. The best thing about Coke Zero is that I can drink the whole can and not feel guilty about all the sugar. And, I’ve converted the family over to the dark side too! I can hardly notice any difference with regular Coke, although many (non-diabetic) people disagree, telling me they need the full sugar hit. And yes, I’ve heard all the horror stories about Coke. Believe me, in moderation you’ll be fine.

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And finally, alcohol. I hardly drink any alcohol compared to other people my age. Probably just a glass of wine or shot of liquor on special occasions. My drink of choice would be a glass of white wine with dinner and a shot of Baileys Irish Cream with dessert. I only wish my doctors would believe me.

Doctor: “Do you drink alcohol?”

Me: “No, very rarely.”

Doctor: “I can ask your Mum to step outside and you can tell me the truth.”

Me: “Really, that’s the truth.”

Doctor: “I’ll just put down a glass of wine with dinner.”

I know its hard to believe, but this is really all that I drink on most days. Now if only I could be this good with my food…