Diabetes and Emotions

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes

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Last year, I Wish People Knew That Diabetes showed me the great sense of community that exists within the Diabetes Online Community. Today is the second annual I Wish People Knew That Diabetes day, and I’m sharing a few of mine right here. Jump onto social media and share yours today using #IWishPeopleKnewThatDiabetes. Creator Kelly Kunik has written about it here and be sure to check out the official I Wish People Knew That Diabetes website at iwishpeopleknewthatdiabetes.org.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes education, healthcare, supplies and insulin are not equally accessible in all parts of the world.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes has given me a voice, and a passion that I feel so strongly about in life.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes has not stopped me from living a relatively normal life.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes means that I can eat anything. I just need to count carbs and give insulin shots.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes means I know so much more about being healthy than I ever did in my life before.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes makes me feel guilty and judge myself.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes is more than scare tactics, threats and complications. There are real people living with it.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes campaigns are not always representative of people who are actually living with diabetes.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes has a lot of stigma and misinformation attached to it.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes is not something that ANYONE asked for.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes is not necessarily caused by being overweight or not exercising.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes does not make me a “diabetic.” I am a person with diabetes.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes wreaks havoc on my emotions. At any given moment.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes interrupts my sleep. Every. Single. Night.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes affects those who love me, just as much as it affects me.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes makes me feel isolated and alone at times.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes is so much better with the support of the Diabetes Online Community.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes means I get to chat with the wonderful Oz Diabetes Online Community on Twitter every Tuesday night at 8.30pm AEST.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes has given me connections all over the world, some of whom I call friends.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes is something that fits into my life. Not the other way around.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes is not something to be ashamed of.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes has made me a stronger person.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes is never easy.

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes doesn’t mean that I see myself differently to anyone else (even if I am…)

I Wish People Knew That Diabetes means that I can still do amazing things.

 

(Today I’m dreaming of the amazing Coffee and Cannoli at Rossinis on Sydney harbour…)

Removed From My Diabetes

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I’m heading back to reality today after a relaxing, yet eventful Easter break, a few too many Lindt bunnies and hot cross buns.

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I haven’t easily forgotten the exhaustion I felt towards the end of last year. I’d pushed myself too hard at the time. My mind was in overdrive thinking about all of the things I wanted to get done at once, even though I knew it wasn’t realistic. It also wasn’t realistic to be able to keep going to work day in, day out for months and months on end with no break in sight.

I’m trying to map out my breaks throughout 2016, so that I’ll have something to look forward to. I’m also trying to give myself a bit more time to breathe at the end of the day, reminding myself that all of the things on my list will still be there to do tomorrow.

Hence, a break over Easter, and a break from my blog.

I will also confess to feeling a little ‘removed’ from my diabetes for a few days over the Easter weekend. Diabetes took a bit of a backseat while I was worried about a family member who wasn’t well.

The routine things like testing my blood sugar level after lunch, or getting up to test during the night seemed pointless in comparison to what was going on. There were occasions where I would fail to give my insulin dose straight away. Seeing morning numbers like 10, 12, or even 14 on the meter are usually enough to make me either angry or emotional (or both). Yet they didn’t even upset me in the slightest at the time. In comparison to what was going on, a few high numbers felt like the least of my worries.

For almost six years, I’ve managed diabetes through uni assignments, through working, through celebrations, through burnouts, through birthdays, Christmases and Easters. Yet there’s only ever been one thing that has actually made me abandon my post as the operator of my broken pancreas.

Distress.

I felt removed from my diabetes that weekend. I felt as though my diabetes was miles and miles away from my body. I didn’t want anything to do with it. Rather, I didn’t feel compelled to do the things that I should have been doing. Those things didn’t even seem remotely important at the time.

It was bitter to see someone I loved unwell. But it was sweet to have a break, to get used to the whole not-going-to-work thing, watch movies at lunchtime and watch Autumn set in.

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Bitter-Sweet. Just like diabetes, right?

Diabetes Food Guilt

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Let’s just say I have a bit of a love hate relationship with food. I liken it to a kid with a toy. You tell him he can’t play with it, and it only makes him want it more. That’s the way I feel about food.

My family was never very restrictive around our eating growing up. We ate breakfast, we rarely (if ever) brought our lunch from the school canteen, and we ate home cooked meals at dinnertime. But when it came to things like cordial, soft drink, chips, lollies, chocolate and ice-cream, we were never told that we couldn’t have it. Mum and Dad did buy these things when they did the grocery shopping, and we did enjoy junk food quite often after school.

So, throwing a diabetes diagnosis into the mix after 17 years did complicate things. Suddenly, I saw these afternoon indulgences as foods that I shouldn’t be having. I experienced the mess these foods did to my blood sugar levels. Most of the time, it was a delayed effect that happened after bedtime and left me high when I woke up in the morning. I often find myself riddled with guilt after eating less than ideal foods.

To be fair, nobody makes me feel guilty. Everyone around me is extremely supportive, and I can’t ever recall being told that “you can’t have that.” Healthcare professionals were also very supportive of managing diabetes around what I already ate after I was diagnosed. Then there are the extended family members who love to throw in their advice and tell me about their friend’s mother’s cousin who also had diabetes and did this to manage and maybe I should try it too…

But at the end of the day, the guilt is mine. Nobody causes it, and nobody forces me to feel this way. Except for diabetes. Yes, diabetes makes me feel this way. Let’s blame it on diabetes. I associate these foods with bad blood sugar levels. I sometimes find myself thinking about the long term damage I am doing to my body when I eat them, and possible future complications. I see these foods as things I shouldn’t be having, which has led to me binging in excess when diabetes hasn’t gone right.

There are a few things I like to remember, however, when diabetes food guilt comes to the forefront of my mind.

I do feel much more comfortable about what I put into my mouth now. Looking back at life before my diagnosis, I knew nothing about food. I was absolutely blind to things like the Glycemic Index, sugar content, carbohydrates and fat. I have made plenty of positive changes to my diet staples, which I am extremely proud of.

I am trying. I am ALWAYS trying. Just because I stop for a coffee and cannoli, it doesn’t mean that I am not trying. I put a lot of hard work into enjoying it. Like testing, carb counting, bolussing, and testing again afterwards.

Finally, I have never let diabetes stop me from enjoying the same foods I did prior to my diagnosis. I still eat (for the most part) what everyone else eats at get togethers and big events, so I have never felt as though I was missing out. I just work around it.

Life is too short to miss out on all the good stuff. Good food is one of the things that makes me feel the very best in the face of life with diabetes.

If you want to chat about more thought provoking topics like this one, I strongly encourage you to join in our supportive weekly OzDOC chats on Twitter every Tuesday night at 8.30pm AEDT. Just follow #OzDOC on Twitter. 

A Turning Point

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I feel as though all of my diabetes efforts over these past few months have been like putting on band aids. Taking holidays over Christmas, reminding myself of pending clinic appointments, and even pulling out my shiny new Insulinx meter that I’d saved for the New Year. Like all band aids, my diabetes efforts have gone wayside. The motivation just hasn’t been there lately. If I’m being honest with myself, the last really good stretch that I can remember was back in August when I wrote this.

It’s easy to tell myself I’ll review the numbers every day. It’s easy to tell myself that I’ll take the time to look at what I’m going to eat, and pre-bolus. It’s easy to tell myself that I’m going to log my insulin doses in my Insulinx meter. It’s easy to tell myself I’m going to be more careful with my insulin doses, so that I’ll have fewer hypos. It’s easy to tell myself that I’ll prepare more interesting lunches, so that I’m not tempted to buy Cadbury Choc Chip Hot Cross Buns from Woolies instead.

Diabetes is hard. Diabetes is so damn hard. My recent visits to diabetes clinic only reminded me of just how unmotivated I have been over these past few months.

“I know, I’m too slack,” was all I could mumble as Gwen gave me a very frank perspective on my meter results. As she was reminding me that I needed to be logging my insulin doses and minimising my hypos, all I could really feel was overwhelmed. All I have felt lately, is overwhelmed.

After a few days of feeling really burned out by my diabetes a week ago, I finally reached a turning point.

I realised that I was sick of waking up feeling utterly exhausted every single morning, fighting every urge to close my eyes again. I realised that I was sick of eating junk food so often, and feeling uncomfortable afterwards. I realised that I was sick of hearing my sighs of exhaustion all the time. I realised that I was sick of my diabetes making me feel twice as angry at the other things going on during my day. I realised that I was sick of feeling guilty, and in a bad place with my diabetes.

Since that turning point, I feel as though I’ve finally found that motivation again. I’m counting my carbs. I’m pre-bolussing. I’m logging my insulin doses. I’m putting more effort into making my diet less boring. I feel somewhat lighter.

And on Saturday, I had a near-perfect day (until 10.14pm, that is).

I’ve got this “click-click-click” intuition on my mind at the moment. Like the cogs on a well oiled wheel. Almost like the final pieces of a puzzle clicking together, seamlessly into place.

Somehow, diabetes seems a whole lot easier to manage when everything is going right.

I’m going to remind myself going forward, that this is how I want to feel all the time.

Giving Up Lent, For Lent

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Of the many things I have attempted to give up for Lent over the years, I can only remember one that I actually saw through until Easter. I managed to give up my favourite computer game, Captain Comic, for a whole forty days back in primary school. I fondly remember playing it on our very first computer in the ’90s, that a family from school salvaged for us from a rubbish heap.

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In recent years, my motivation to keep doing Lent is diabetes. Even though I’m an adult and I’m no longer forced to do Lent, I still like the idea of using it to change my “bad diabetes” habits. Give up chocolate, give up junk food, exercise, have perfect blood sugar levels and perhaps stick with it after Lent…

The reality is that I’ve failed almost every time. I’ll end up feeling guilty and unhealthy for breaking. I’ll end up feeling trapped by my diabetes, with no willpower to control my bad habits. Even when I have made it a fair way in, I’ve ended up subsiding and binge eating towards the end.

But I’m only human, and I shouldn’t have to apologise for my bad habits. Besides, Lent doesn’t just last forty days for me. I already give up a lot for my diabetes, throughout the whole entire year.

Money, for starters. Insulin, test strips, needles and even jellybeans aren’t cheap. In May I’ll be switching to an Insulin Pump, which only costs around $8,000. Thank goodness for private health insurance! Even though my expenses are heavily subsidised by the Australian government through the NDSS, diabetes is still not cheap and I can think of a million other things that I would rather put that money towards.

Food. I have to think carefully about every item of food that I put into my mouth. Carb content? Weight? Is it a pre-bolus food? Or does it need a delayed bolus? Feelings of satisfaction after a nice dinner are often replaced with feelings of guilt and anger if the follow up result is not ideal. I’ll often have to forego tempting foods for which the spike is just not worth it.

Thoughts. Diabetes is one of the first things I think about when I wake up in the morning. I’m constantly plagued with thoughts of where my blood sugar is sitting after a meal. Did I give too much insulin? Not enough insulin? Did I forget to bolus for something? Then at bedtime, I’m usually playing guessing games as to where my levels are headed through the night.

Confidence. It’s hard not to judge myself by my diabetes, when it’s on my mind all the time. It’s hard to feel good about myself when my diabetes isn’t going so great. As my diabetes gets older, I find myself thinking more and more about my future. About how well I am managing my diabetes, and whether I am “healthy” enough to withstand complications.

Time. Finger pricks, insulin injections, treating a high, correcting a low and just thinking about it all! Diabetes doesn’t stay on the desk at five o’clock on a Friday. There is no annual leave, sick days, personal leave or rostered days off. Finding the time to do ALL of this on top of life is a miracle sometimes.

Lent always makes me feel bad about myself, and I know that I’ll end up failing miserably. So this year, I’ve decided to give up Lent, for Lent. I’ll still be working towards some of my diabetes goals in the lead up to Pump Day in May.

But I certainly won’t be shying away from a slice of this Macaroon Cake I made last week. Happy Monday!

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