Hypos

Hypo on the Harbour

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I’ve been wanting to do the BridgeClimb ever since I got to Sydney, and Tuesday’s spectacular weather looked like the perfect opportunity to do so. Everyone else wanted to come down to Sydney Harbour one last time before we left, so we decided to head down together for lunch beforehand.

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The steak burger I ordered for lunch came on a plate piled with way too many chips. I knew that I probably shouldn’t have eaten all of them. I knew that I was already feeling full after I was about halfway through. And I knew that amount of chips would probably send my blood sugars through the roof. But that plate looked so irresistable, and I was on holiday. In anticipation of that surge in my Blood Sugar Levels, I dialled up a generous dose of Insulin to cover it, and downed most of the plate.

After lunch, I separated from the others and headed off to book my climb. I still had well over an hour to kill before my 3.25pm climb, and decided to set off down a familiar walkway that I’d wanted to venture last time I was here. This walkway was situated directly under the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and took me right across to the other side. On the other side of the bridge was the Town of Kirribilli, a densely populated area in the northern part of Sydney. There were lots of apartment buildings, small streets, some vintage buildings and a train station called Milson’s Point. I really wish I’d taken some photos!

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Although I was carrying a shopping bag with all of my supplies, I had completely forgotten to bring some sugar for the BridgeClimb. There was a small Pharmacy there on that quiet street, and I was debating whether to go in and buy some jellybeans. I talked myself out of it, thinking that there was no way I’d go hypo after that lunch I’d had. I’d just be stuck with a packet of jellybeans to finish, something that I am absolutely sick of using for hypo treatment.

I headed back to my side of the bridge, and made my way back to that deserted street where the BridgeClimb building was located. I found some steps to sit and have a rest, and pulled out my meter to test. As much as I just wanted to sit there and rest, my meter forced me up again with the news that my blood sugar was 4.0. Just 4.0 less than two hours after eating lunch. Yikes. It must have been that long walk. I knew I had to get moving. I knew I had to find a shop of some sort to buy a drink from. And boy, oh boy, that street was dead quiet.

I started walking along, desperately searching for some sort of a shop. I really didn’t want to have to walk all the way back over to the busy Harbour area. But all I could see were high walls, deserted town houses and a few pubs. I really did not want to have to walk into a pub in that situation, either, but it might have to be a last resort. I found a modern looking building that stuck out in this old, quaint looking area. And there were signs of life inside. Nope, it was just an indoor basketball court. Walking a little further down, and I finally found a shop, where I grabbed an overpriced bottle of Solo.

I found a shady park bench outside and sat down under it. I cracked open the lid, and skulled down half the bottle. That cold, sweet liquid entering my mouth was the perfect thirst quencher after that long walk. I sat there for about 15 minutes. The calm slowly began to return to me, and I was able to get my breath back.

I walked into the BridgeClimb building and took a seat in the waiting area. I pulled out my meter, proudly held up the 6.2 post-hypo result, and decided to take a #BGLSelfie for National Diabetes Week. Because even a bad hypo wasn’t about to ruin my day.

https://instagram.com/p/5GtqwTA_RL/

 

Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief

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I’m ashamed to admit that hypos have gotten the better of me in recent weeks. My diabetes management certainly isn’t as terrible as this post makes it look, but I definitely think what I go through during these times is too funny not to share (because we have to look back and laugh at ourselves, right?). So, here’s what I like to call my Three Stages of Dealing with Hypo Grief.

Stage 1: Anger and Frustration

Going low is the most frustrating thing. And the more often it happens, the more you start to feel like you’re slipping into a hole. And the further down you get, the harder it is to find your footing and climb on out.

And during times like these, that frustration boils up to the point of anger. Like wanting to shout. Like wanting to slam the door. Like wanting to throw something against the wall. Like wanting to punch the wall as hard as I can. I want to feel the pain, so I have something physical to match my anger. I have a million different emotions boiled up inside of me that I need to let out.

Stage 2: Emotional Eating

So, the wave has finally crashed. I’ve let all of my hypo related frustrations and anger out of my system. My mind is finally ready to start processing what’s happened, and its also time to start thinking about fixing that hypo.

A hypo that I’m not expecting will really tug hard on my emotional heartstrings. Especially after a day where I felt I did my very best. I ate healthy. I thought very carefully about my insulin dose. I didn’t take a second helping at lunch. I didn’t have a snack in the afternoon. I tried so hard and yet I still failed. So what’s the point? Screw it. I reach for the most delicious thing I can find to cure my hypo. Like a bag of chips. A tub of ice cream. A box of chocolate. And I’ll sit on the couch and eat my hypo sorrow away. And no, not just the 20 grams to bring me back up into range. No, today I’m going to finish off the entire packet. Just because.

Stage 3: Acceptance and readiness to move on

So, I’ve gotten angry, and my emotions have taken over my rational thinking and I’m finally ready to move on. I’m ready to accept that sometimes diabetes is plain unpredictable. Sometimes we approach diabetes with the best of intentions. And yet we still don’t get the results we expect. Sometimes these things are just out of our control. And its our job to accept this, pick up the pieces and move on.

Changing The Way I Think About Hypos

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If I’m being completely honest, I’ve been having a few too many hypos lately. Its either happening after a meal, or much to my frustration, at bedtime.

I’ll sneak into the kitchen and try to grab a couple of biscuits from the pantry without Mum or Dad noticing. I don’t want them to think that I’m unhealthy or that I’m not taking care of myself. They’re either thinking that I’m purposely binging on foods that are no good for my blood sugars, or that I’m having another hypo. Either way, I don’t want their pity. I don’t want their concerns. And I don’t want them to think that my diabetes isn’t under control.

But I think the thing that really puts a damper on my hypos at the moment is the prospect of having to shove more jellybeans into my mouth. I’m absolutely sick to death of bloody jellybeans. The way they spoil my freshly brushed teeth and clean mouth. The little pieces that get stuck on my retainer. The dry aftertaste they leave on my tongue. And if I go to sleep, my throat will be so dry by the time I wake up that I’ll be dying of thirst.

That horrible dry aftertaste that lingers on my tongue well into the next morning is a lasting reminder of that hypo. Its a lasting reminder of the frustration and anger I felt when having to deal with that hypo. A lasting reminder of all the frustrations I have in dealing with diabetes each day. And a lasting reminder of my failure to better control my blood sugar levels.

When I go into the chemist and buy that big 1kg bag of jellybeans, I am reminded of all the hypos I’ve been through since I was there last. I feel so small. So guilty. And it leaves me with very little motivation to work harder, to avoid going through it again. I’m trapped in a bit of a vicious cycle.

I need to change the way I think about my hypos if I ever hope to get out of that vicious cycle of history repeating itself each day. And then I remembered something my diabetes educator used to say to me.

“You should treat a hypo with something you enjoy.”

Inspired by that quote, I really hope my three new hypo choices will leave me feeling a little bit satisfied and a little more positive. I am really hoping that next time a hypo rolls around I won’t feel so angry, so frustrated, like wanting to punch the wall. Because right now, more than anything, I need to get out of this vicious cycle.

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Powerade. Sports drinks/energy drinks are loaded with sugar, right? I’ve heard it countless times. This one’s a pretty good choice for work (where I’m on my feet all day) too, because I can bring it out without drawing too much attention/diabetes pity towards myself.

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Arnott’s Nice Biscuits.

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If you’ve been living under a rock and never heard of them, they’re basically biscuits with even more sugar on top (just in case there wasn’t enough sugar inside, right?).

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And my favourite pick, Pascall Marshmallows. Similar to jellybeans, its almost entirely made up of sugar and glucose – the perfect combo for combatting a hypo!

And most importantly, they’re not jellybeans!

 

I Am Obsessed With Perfect Blood Sugar Levels

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I think sometimes I can be over obsessed with the idea of perfect blood sugar levels. I am so obsessed that it takes over my thoughts and my actions.

Hyperglycemia. I absolutely HATE seeing a blood sugar level of, say, 20. It usually happens after a day of unhealthy eating. And other times its a complete suprise. It irritates me. It frustrates me. It angers me. It guilts me. It even cues scary thoughts of future diabetes complications. I’ll hastily grab my insulin pen, dial up a big dose, and jab it in. I know its too big of a dose, but I’m not thinking clearly. I just want to get my blood sugar levels back down to earth ASAP. And I’ll do anything to avoid seeing those numbers again. And more often than not, I’ll end up over bolusing just to ensure my blood sugar levels don’t peak that high. Which leads me to…

Hypos. Hypos make me feel weak. Tired. Powerless. Defeated. Seeing a hypo is disheartening, particularly on days where I feel I’ve done all the right things. Drenched in sweat, hands trembling, head spinning, I’ll reach for the jellybeans and start to shove them in my mouth. I hate them and the dry, sugary taste they leave on my tongue that will have me dying of thirst later on. Once I start to feel better, the feels of frustration and anger will begin to kick in. Screw it. I’ll get up and find the nicest, most sugary treat I can find comfort in. And before I know it, I’m right back where I started.

If there’s one thing I want to clean out, its my obsession with having perfect blood sugar levels. There’s no such thing. I don’t know of anyone who has perfect levels all the time. I need to accept that my blood sugars will rise and fall. I need to accept that some of the foods I eat will make my blood sugars spike higher than others. I need to stop testing five minutes after a meal and make drastic decisions to fix my blood sugar levels according to what I think they should be. I need to learn to be patient and wait for my blood sugar levels to come down naturally. And I need to accept that sometimes hypos happen, and I shouldn’t let them get the better of me.

Because if I don’t accept it all, I’ll be trapped in this vicious cycle forever.

I’ve written this post as a participant in Diabetes Blog Week 2015. Follow #dBlogWeek on Twitter for the latest updates from the event and participants.