Feelings

I’ve always been the kind of person who takes a lot of what others say to heart. And letting those little things get to me is sometimes my biggest downfall.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling pretty good. Things were getting back on track diabetes wise, I’d had a decent night’s sleep and I was ready to take on another day. I got to work, and it was all smiles and laughter with my work Mums as usual. “Dobro utrov, ca cosi?” Which is Macedonian for “good morning, how are you?” It’s one of the little perks that I love about getting to work in the morning.

But after I’d started work yesterday morning, there was one small comment that was enough to turn around my mood, and my day. What was said isn’t as important as the way in which it affected me. I hate how much I took that comment to heart. I hate my behaviour that followed that comment. My moodiness, my negativity, and my stubborn refusal to let that comment go through the morning. While it may have taken somebody else to make that comment, it was me who chose to let that comment ruin my day. And I hate myself for it.

And in a weird way, my attitude towards that situation yesterday kind of parallels my attitude towards diabetes. Every decision that I make has an impact on my diabetes. Every item of food that I eat. Every drink that I put in my mouth. Every place that I choose to visit. Every activity that I choose to do. I carry diabetes along with me, every step of the way. Whether I like it or not.

And it only takes one insulin dose. One finger prick. One really high blood sugar reading. One anger fuelled over correction. One weakening hypo. One handful of jellybeans. One small action is enough to throw my diabetes sideways, and turn my day upside down. It’s enough to make me angry. Teary. Emotional. Moody. It’s enough to make me beat myself up for hours. It’s enough to ride me with guilt for the rest of the day. It’s enough to make me lose my motivation.

I got some wise words of advice from some friends in the staff room later in the day. I know the real truth surrounding that comment, and I shouldn’t let anything else that’s said bother me. Let it in one ear, and out the other.

And I know the truth behind my diabetes management, also. I am living with an unpredictable disease. I am stepping into the shoes of a perfectly functioning pancreas, something which is not easy to do. I find incredible strength to step up to that task, each and every single day. I fulful this role to the best of my ability. It’s something that many others wouldn’t even be able to imagine doing. But I am only human. And I must forgive myself when things don’t go as planned, and take away the added wisdom for next time round.

I must learn not to take words, and actions, too much to heart.