Diabetes Musings

If My Diabetes Went Away Tomorrow

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My alarm went off at 6am, as it did every morning. I fought the urge to close my eyes once again, and switched on the lamp on my bedside table. My blood glucose meter was still sitting there, in the same place I have kept it for the last five years. I knew it was probably time to find a home for it somewhere, but I still hadn’t convinced myself that I didn’t need it. I still ripped open a test strip, from the same perfect angle that I’d mastered a long time ago. I still wouldn’t believe anything until my meter confirmed it. I stuck the strip in, pricked my finger, and let the blood flow to the test strip. 4.2.

I made my bed, got dressed and walked into the dining room. “Good morning Frankie,” Dad said to me, very enthusiastically for this time of morning. I walked over to the coffee machine and placed my half filled glass of hot milk under the nozzle. I noticed the sugar bowl sitting next to the machine as I stood there watching the dripping coffee infuse with the milk in my glass. I was tempted to spoon some into my glass. I knew I could, if I wanted to. But somehow I just couldn’t stop thinking about how hard it had been to cut out my sugar over the years. And how proud I was of myself for it.

There were leftover pancakes in the fridge that my sister had made yesterday. I was so tempted to grab the plate, heat them up in the microwave and drown them in maple syrup. But I couldn’t rid myself of the thought of my blood sugar levels spiking if I did. I closed the fridge, instead opting for my usual slice of Burgen toast and hard boiled egg.

It was 6.40am, and time to head off to work in the dark. I still carried my satchel with me to work every day, even though I knew that everything I needed would now fit into my pockets. But somehow, I just couldn’t convince myself that I didn’t need to carry my meter, insulin pen and jellybeans around anymore.

There was morning tea on the table at work. Iced donuts, Tim Tams, Choc Chip Cookies, Cupcakes, Potato Chips and Lollies. I’ve never been able to resist morning tea, and grabbed one of everything to eat. By the time it was over, I was feeling full. Guilty. And unhealthy. I went back out to work, but the thought of not having had any insulin yet was driving me insane. I couldn’t function properly. I was convinced my blood sugar levels must have skyrocketed by now. 18? 25? Ketones? An hour had passed, before it got to the point where I couldn’t sit there for a minute longer. I hurried off as fast as I could to the locker room. I seized my meter, tore open a test strip, furiously pricked my finger and began frantically squeezing for blood. After all that crap I’d eaten, I couldn’t believe the number 8.2 staring back at me.

I was back home and done with work for the day. And it occurred to me that I could go back to having junk food in the afternoons if I wanted to, just like I did back when I was in high school. I walked over to the cupboard, and stared longingly at the bag of Red Rock Deli Honey Soy Chicken potato chips in there. My favourite, none the less. I could eat the whole packet, if I felt like it. But I couldn’t rid myself of the thought of spoiling my appetite for dinner. I couldn’t stop thinking about my blood sugar levels spiking at bedtime because of all the fat in them. And I couldn’t stop thinking about how unhealthy I would feel for it afterwards. I closed the cupboard doors, and opted for my usual cuppa instead.

I could go back to my old habits now, if I really wanted to. I could go back to eating white bread. I could go back to eating junk food after school. And I could go back to eating as much as I liked at dinner time. But knowing what I know now, I couldn’t go back to that old life. Somehow, I’m proud of the diet that I’ve adopted because of diabetes. Somehow, I’m proud of the food habits that I’ve overcome because of diabetes. And somehow, I still won’t be able to rid myself from thinking about what the food I eat will do to my blood sugar levels.

Don’t get me wrong, I do look forward to being able to eat anything and everything that I want on occasion. But if I were to go back to my old life today, it would feel like living with diabetes for all those years was for nothing.

Thanks to Banting and Best, I Have a Chance

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If it was the year 1921 today, I wouldn’t be able to get up out of bed this morning. I wouldn’t be able to fight the urge to shut my eyes again. I wouldn’t be able to eat breakfast and drink my coffee. I wouldn’t be able to drive to work. I wouldn’t be able to talk, smile and laugh as I go about my day. I wouldn’t be able to buy that Sweet Treat Muffin and Hot Chocolate for lunch. I wouldn’t be able to crash on the couch at the end of the day with a good TV show. I wouldn’t be able to write this blog post. In fact this blog wouldn’t even exist, because I would have been long gone after my diagnosis with type 1 diabetes five years ago (and because, well, computers and the internet weren’t around back then either, but you get my drift…)

But thanks to Dr Frederick Banting and his assistant Charles Best, I have a chance. A very good chance, in fact, of a living a long and healthy life with diabetes. During this week back in 1921 (July 27, to be exact) and against all odds, Banting and Best first isolated insulin to treat type 1 diabetes.

Dr Banting didn’t let his lack of diabetes knowledge stop him from delivering a lecture on the topic. He didn’t stop himself from developing an interest in diabetes and fuelling his theories. He didn’t let his status as an unknown surgeon stop him from convincing the University of Toronto to give him a small laboratory to put his theories to the test.

Against all odds, Dr Banting managed to achieve the impossible. And if he was able to find a treatment for a disease that was a death sentence, then I think I am capable of achieving just about anything I put my mind to.

I feel like I’ve been spending a lot of time whinging about my diabetes on this blog at the moment. About all the ups and downs and highs and lows and crazy emotions inbetween. But when I think about what the alternative would have been back in 1921, I don’t think I have anything to be complaining about.

When I was lying in the emergency room five years ago, fazed by ketoacidosis, there were two phrases that I can remember the doctor telling my worried parents. The first was diabetes. And the second was something along the lines of me being able to live a normal life. And thanks to Banting and Best, that’s exactly what I’m able to do with type 1 diabetes each and every day.

There are some good reads about Banting and Best here and here.

Diabetes and Me

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Happy Diabetes Week to all of my d-friends in the UK! This year’s theme is “Diabetes and Me,” and asks us to think about how we manage our condition and live life to the full.

The one single thing that helps me to live life to the full every day is attitude. While diabetes has caused A LOT of frustration over the years, I don’t think I’ve ever spent my time wishing diabetes away. As angry as I might be, I’ve never cursed or blamed that setback on diabetes. I don’t walk around with a chip on my shoulder or attaching any stigma to myself. Diabetes is a reality that’s not going away anytime soon. Its something I’ve accepted.

I suppose I credit this to being hospitalised upon diagnosis (click here to read my diagnosis story). I had all sorts of horrible symptoms – lethargy, weight loss, urination, loss of saliva, excessive thirst, loss of appetite and panting. I honestly thought I might die. So, by the time I was diagnosed with diabetes in hospital I didn’t really care that much. I was just so relieved that all those symptoms had gone away. I had saliva and I could eat again!

In fact, most days I never really think of myself as a person who has diabetes. When I’m testing myself or injecting insulin, I never think too much about what I’m doing or why I have to do it. Its sort of become something that I subconsciously have to do and deal with.

Diabetes is one of the craziest, ever changing, emotional rollercoaster of experiences in my life. Its something that I fit into my life, and not the other way around.

I’ve graduated from uni.

I’ve cut down Christmas trees.

I’ve celebrated birthdays and enjoyed more than my fair share of cake.

And then there’s times where I’m still a child at heart (worth it!).

And when I remind myself that I have experienced all of these things with type 1 diabetes, it makes the victory even sweeter.

Diabetes Week UK runs from June 14 to June 20, 2015. Find out more about the event on the Diabetes UK website, and get involved by using the hashtag #DiabetesAndMe on social media.

Diabetes and Vices

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Last Thursday morning, I finally willed myself to set the alarm for 4am and join in the Great Britain Diabetes Online Community Twitter Chat (#gbDOC). And I gotta say I wasn’t disappointed.

The topic was diabetes and vices. When I think of a vice, I instantly think of a bad habit. Something I use as an outlet to let off steam. Something that’s hard to break away from. Something that’s not good for me. So what is my main vice? Emotionally fuelled comfort eating. On a day where my diabetes management isn’t going well, my emotions take over my rational thinking. And I’ll eat. And eat. And eat.

The thing that fascinated me most was just how many other people’s vices were also food related. So why do I turn to food as my main vice? I think its a simple case of not being able to have those treats all the time with diabetes. It makes you want them more. Its like saying to a child ‘you can’t play with that toy.‘ They’ll end up wanting it more. They’ll chuck a tantrum. They’ll tell you they hate you. And they might even plan a rebellion to take it from you when you’re not watching. So bad blood sugar levels will give me the perfect excuse to turn towards those treats. Chocolate, potato chips, ice cream, lollies and biscuits. I’ll think to myself, ‘I’m trying so hard not to eat those foods and I’m still high – so what’s the point?’

Someone suggested that we weren’t being open enough about our non-food related vices. Well, that was an easy answer for me. Short answer: anger, shouting, slamming and punching. Long answer: read my post last week on Three Stages of Dealing With Hypo Grief (and trust me, its a good read!).

I think that if I didn’t have diabetes, my vices would be completely different (and perhaps not so food-related!) They might be things like drinking. Smoking. Gossiping. Swearing (well, I still do that sometimes…) But diabetes is such a big part of my life. I deal with it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. I think about it when I wake up. When I’m at work. When I’m eating. When I’m sitting in front of the telly. Even when I stir in the middle of the night. So, naturally, I have vices against my diabetes rather than other aspects of my life.

And, if my blood sugar levels were perfect 100 per cent of the time, I don’t think I would have any vices at all!

Join the Great Britain Diabetes Online Community Twitter Chat every Wednesday night at 9pm (GMT+1) by following the #gbDOC hashtag on Twitter.

Things I Secretly Love About Diabetes

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So, what do I love about diabetes that I don’t like to admit?

Getting extra attention from the people around me. Although I don’t really show it, I’m a little bit of an attention seeker at heart. I secretly love being asked if I’m okay. All I really have to do is pause for a rest and within seconds I’ll get “Frankie, are you okay? Go sit down for 5 minutes. Have a drink. If you don’t feel well, go home.” Dad will constantly remind me to take a tablet, have a hot drink and go lie down for a while (until I actually go and do all of those things), and Mum will have a panic attack if I tell her I don’t feel like eating anything. “You have to eat something!”

Giving off the impression that I’m a super healthy person. Whenever the topic of food comes up in the staff room at work, I’m the expert. I can justify my healthy lunches to others. I know how many carbs there are in those donuts for morning tea. I can make him feel guilty about how much sugar there is in that can of coke he got out of the vending machine. I can make her feel guilty about salting her lunch. But then again, I’m pretty much shooting myself in the foot on the days where I’m caught eating a Caramello Koala or walking in with a bag of Red Rooster for lunch!

Greater admiration from others. And sounding like an interesting person, I guess. One of the most common conversations I have with people is explaining what I have to do when I eat. It goes something like “So, I have to prick my finger to make sure my blood sugar is between 4 and 8. If its too low, I have to eat jellybeans. If its too high, I have to give extra insulin. Then I have to give insulin whenever I eat carbs, depending on how many carbs I eat. And by the time I’ve finished my rant and finally look around me, the whole room is listening.

And accomplishments. They somehow just sound ten times better when you tack the word diabetes onto them. I’ve completed High School. I’ve survived Year 12 exams. I’ve gotten a job. I’ve graduated from uni. I’ve travelled. I’ve scaled the Sydney Harbour Bridge. And whenever I do make an accomplishment, whether it be d-related or not, it feels ten times better when I remember that I accomplished those things while dealing with type 1 diabetes as well.