The very last thing that I was expecting to hear was that my hba1c had gone up after three months on an insulin pump.
I mean, I wasn’t expecting dramatic improvement straight away. I knew full well that my pump is not a magic wand. I knew that my glucose levels were fluctuating far too much pre-pump. When we looked at my Ambulatory Glucose Profile with Gwen back in May, she said just as much to me.
But I definitely believe that this variance is much tighter today. I feel I don’t peak above 15mmol half as often as I used to. Lows aren’t too bad either, but they are definitely a work in progress. I’ve been putting so much work into my diabetes. More than I used to on injections.
So I guess I went in there, mentally prepared to hear that my a1c result was the same. But definitely not half a point higher than my last one.
For a while now, I’ve stared at half decent a1c results. The doctors have been quick to dismiss me, but I’ve never truly felt satisfied with my results. Deep down, I knew that my levels were fluctuating far too much. I knew that I was peaking way too high after meals, and having far too many lows. I knew that my a1c result was not an accurate representation of what was going on with my levels. But I never had the courage to ask for help. I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind, telling myself I would fix that problem before my next check up in six months time.
But I never quite got around to it.
So, I guess there was a damn good reason for the rise in my hba1c result last week. For the first time in a long time, I have a clear picture of where my glucose levels actually sit. It definitely means that I have made some progress. But at the same time, my goal post feels a lot further away. I am realising just how much hard work lies ahead of me in order to get that a1c to where I want it to be.
As I made a long drive home in peak hour traffic and pouring rain, it was hard not to feel disappointed. It was really hard not having Gwen, who recently retired, there with me that day. She had been with me all the way through my journey, and I’m sure that she would have understood exactly where I was at. I’m sure she would have known exactly what to say.
I dream of the celebratory dinner I’ll have when I get my a1c to where I want it to be. I dream of the satisfaction I’ll feel. The grin on my face. The sense of achievement. The victory. Feeling somewhat in control of this unpredictable disease. And the cake.
I am motivated. I know that I have made some solid progress in these last three months. I know that I am going make it to that dinner table one day.