Diabetes

“Are You On a Diet?”

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I can’t begin to describe some of the funny looks I’ve been getting when I sit down with my bag of almonds at morning tea time. Those looks that just scream of “is that all you’re eating?” or “are you on a diet?” or “are you not feeling well?”

The young guy in the fluoro shirt who should be skulling choc milk and having a Woolies donut, eating almonds? Yep, I get it. While my diabetes is pretty transparent, people still forget or don’t realise it’s there.

Last week, one of my work Mums brought in a tray of leftover sweets to share from her weekend. As usual, I got the typical Nonna treatment. “Go on. Take it!” I politely said that I was trying to be good, and asked her to save me something for later. “Why?”

Last week, we had a bake sale in the staff room at work. I felt guilty for not buying anything. As I sat down in front of all of the tempting cake with my bag of almonds, someone remarked to me “you’re being good today, are you?”

I don’t put a lot of things off limits when it comes to diabetes and food. So long as I feel that I truly do enjoy eating something, then it is worth the effort. But I absolutely hate to perpetuate the myth that someone with diabetes can’t eat whatever they choose. I felt compelled to explain my choice not to indulge in cake at 10am on a work day to the staff room table.

After six months of experimenting and fine tuning, I am finally starting to see some consistency in the mornings while I am physically active at work. I am starting to feel that sweets are just not worth the effort while I am working. I will be guessing the carbs. I will be giving a generous dose of insulin. That insulin is more sensitive while I am physically active, and I am more likely to go low. What tends to follow is a day where I am trying to juggle highs and lows. I don’t feel very motivated to manage my diabetes well after days like this, and it’s just not fun. 

I eat a satisfying breakfast when I wake up. My treat in the morning is my Coffee Club Cappuccino with no sugar, enjoyed with my team mates. It’s 12g of slowly digested carbs, and I can handle that just fine.

But at 10am, I eat almonds. Almonds have minimal impact on my blood glucose while I am working. They don’t send me into a vicious cycle where I am correcting highs and warding off lows. Turning down cake is a small price to pay for the juggling act I so badly want to avoid while I am at work.

Plus, the cake will still be there to enjoy later, right?

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Pins and Needles

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When I began experiencing pins and needles in my feet less than a year after being diagnosed with diabetes, I was freaking out.

The minute I was diagnosed, I had been told to look after my feet. To check them every day. To look out for cuts and abraisions. I had been made well aware of the increased risks to the feet for people with diabetes. I cringed at the thought of people needing to have limbs amputated.

I was convinced that I had done something wrong. I cursed myself for how many hypos I had been having at the time. I felt ridden with guilt for not being able to better manage my blood sugar levels. It was my first year, for crying out loud!

Foot complications were all I could think about. Mum was in disbelief when I told her I was thinking of calling in sick to work, in favour of trying to find a podiatrist that would see me on a Saturday. (I was known to be a bit of a workaholic in my first job…)

I remember standing behind a register the following day, unable to think of anything other than the sensation in my feet. I arrived home to an empty house that evening, having self diagnosed myself with circulatory problems. I pulled the cover off of the dusty treadmill that Mum and Dad bought us kids for Christmas, but never used. I put on my sneakers and began running, frantically, in an attempt to boost the circulation in my feet. And I never run!

Of course, I had worried myself over absolutely nothing. With less than one year of diabetes under my belt, it was highly unlikely that I had anything to be seriously worried about. My diabetes educator even told me so much, when she squeezed me in during her lunch break to chat about it the following week. I had automatically associated the pins and needles in my feet with my blood sugars, which did not pose any foreseeable risk.

My podiatrist couldn’t find any circulation problems with my feet either, but commended me for coming in to check. And no sooner than my mind was put at ease, the pins and needles had passed.

My diabetes is getting older. With every passing day, diabetes becomes a larger fraction of my life. I constantly doubt myself. Whether I am doing enough to stay healthy, and on top of this damn condition.

There was a quote I found on Twitter about diabetes complications, that has stuck with me for some time. It went something along the lines of this.

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Every time I’m having a bad day, and every time I’m doubting my self management efforts, I repeat these words to myself.

And again. And again. Until they sink in.

Libre-less

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It’s no secret that I have continued to use the FreeStyle Libre with much enthusiasm in recent months, albeit intermittently. I frequently talk about it on Twitter, I often refer to trend arrows in my blog posts and it’s a popular subject of messages that arrive in my e-mail inbox. Not to mention how instagrammable that graph is, especially when the line is flat.


Yeah, paying $95 to monitor my blood glucose like this every two weeks absolutely sucks. But overall, it has improved the quality of my life, and I am starting to come around to justifying those costs.

For my needs, it is perfect. I check my blood sugar frequently through the day, so this fits the bill nicely in adding some convenience to that. I like that the hardware is minimal, and that it doesn’t use a lot of real estate on my body. The only upkeep is the round sensor every two weeks, which makes it a cheaper alternative to Continuous Glucose Monitoring.

I guess where I have struggled the most is setting boundaries around the data. I find it easy to become obsessed with the numbers after wearing it for too long.

My behaviour hasn’t been too healthy during the life of my last sensor. I’ve been compulsively checking my levels before I’ve even finished my dinner, and again on the couch in the evenings while I’m watching television. The trend arrows have been really frustrating to see at times, and I find it hard to remind myself that they are only temporary. Against better judgement, I do tend to micro manage data, which sends me low far more often than I should be.

So why haven’t I taken a break from it sooner? Firstly, I wanted to give myself every advantage in getting the best hba1c that I could. Turns out that I was being much too hard on myself, because it exceeded my expectations by a country mile. Then earlier this month, I hit a speedbump where I was literally spiking after everything that I ate. I was too scared to be without it until I had figured the problem out. But I am slowly moving past that issue (more on that, soon).

I’ve been Libre-less for almost a week now, and all that anxiety is gone. I stop to check my blood sugar prior to meals, and one and two hours after meals. I’m forced to think about whether I actually need to check my blood sugar, or whether I’m simply doing it because I can. My head isn’t consumed by numbers so much, and my mood isn’t dependent on trend arrows. In fact, the numbers have been better than they were during the life of my last sensor, and I’m not hypoing so often from micro managing.

The morale of this story is that time away from the tech is equally as valuable as the tech itself. It gives me a chance to actually appreciate the tools I am using, and what I’ve been able to achieve with them.

My life is more than just numbers, and time away from the tech is definitely helping me to realise this once again. 

What Type 1 Diabetes Is Really Like

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“How’s your diabetes going?” “Are you managing it alright?” “How are your levels?”

These are the questions that I am most often asked about my diabetes. Don’t get my wrong, I love fielding questions about diabetes. However, being asked about my diabetes so generally is so difficult for me to answer. I’m often left lost for words. Speechless.

Diabetes is so much more than just “good” or “not good.” “Pass” or “fail.” It’s never a simple answer. Diabetes in itself, is never simple.

Diabetes is one of the most unpredictable conditions to live with. Trying to mimic a healthy pancreas, while trying to live my life at the same time, is never easy. Two days with diabetes are never the same. Two identical days with diabetes don’t guarantee you the same results.

Everything affects diabetes. Everything and anything.

A good night’s sleep can be the difference between steady, or skyrocketing levels after waking. Physical activity that isn’t carefully planned for will send me low, and then high in the aftermath. Stress, and illness are enough to make my blood sugar levels as stubborn as hell. A plate of pasta is digested at a much slower rate than a plate of mashed potato.

To remain on top of this condition, I have to be on top of my game. Being on top of my game means living in anticipation of all of these things. Second guessing how accurate my carb counting was at dinner. Wondering if I will need a square of chocolate, or a couple of skittles, to keep me steady over the next couple of hours. Anticipating the timing of my insulin dose to match the food I am eating. Stressing about where my blood sugar levels will settle before I go to bed. Wondering whether I am doing enough to keep myself healthy, and free from long term complications.

After six years, diabetes has become somewhat of a second nature. Yeah, it frustrates me. Yeah, I don’t always get it right. Some times are tougher than others. I get burned out from time to time. There are days where I close my eyes, and bury my head in my hands.

But I don’t feel burdened. I don’t spend my days dreaming of a cure, or wishing it away. It hasn’t stopped me from doing whatever I set out to achieve in life. I will have type 1 diabetes for the rest of my life, and I’ve made my peace with that. 

Type 1 diabetes has made me a stronger, healthier, passionate and more confident person. Type 1 diabetes has shaped the person that I am today, and I wouldn’t trade that guy for anything in the world.

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Wishing you a Happy World Diabetes Day.

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There’s a 24 hour chat happening over on Twitter for World Diabetes Day. For those of you in Australia, it kicks off at 1pm WST/4pm EST. All you need is a Twitter account. Join in by following/tweeting with the hashtag #WDDChat16.

I will be hosting the 5am hour, which is 6pm WST/9pm EST for those of you in Australia.

Hope you can join me.

An Indescribable Feeling

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“Can I get my hba1c done?” I asked my diabetes educator, the minute I walked through the door.

“I’ll go get the kit.”

I waited for what felt like forever, my attention shifting from a wall clock identical to those in my high school, to a weary poster from the 90s shouting reduced risks of cardiovascular diseases for every 1% drop in my hba1c.

As I sat there, exhausted after a full on day and a week of rollercoaster blood sugar levels, I wondered what my hba1c might look like. I hadn’t set the bar very high for myself. I was convinced I wouldn’t be anywhere close to my personal goal. I’d be lucky just to clear the 7% mark, at best.

Even though we say all the time that we are more than just numbers, it’s so freaking hard not to feel defined by one. Every day, I wake up to numbers. I make decisions based on numbers. I over-analyse numbers. I feel frustration over numbers. My long term health is dependent on the numbers. Numbers are the very last thing I see, before I go to bed at night.

I’d be lying if I said that my last hba1c hadn’t been hanging over my head since August. I’ve poured my blood, sweat and tears into my numbers over the past few months. But as my diabetes educator made her return to the room, I was about to learn that all of that effort had paid off.

“You’re joking!” I exclaimed.

“I’m not.”

“I can’t believe it!” I said to myself, leaning back and shooting both my arms up into the air in victory.

The feeling was indescribable.

Not only had I bested my personal goal, but I had clocked in over a point lower than August, and had set a new personal best.

I felt a million miles lighter. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt like I was sitting on top of the world. I felt free.

I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face as I stepped out into the mild, sunny November afternoon. As I made my way down Hospital Avenue and back to my car, I kept repeating my new a1c over and over in my head.

I made a pit stop at San Churros on the way home for a Spanish White Hot Chocolate. A big plate of Connoisseur Belgian Chocolate Ice Cream followed when I arrived home, as I eagerly told my family the news.

I felt proud. I had fought a gruelling battle to regain some form of control over my blood sugar levels in the past year, and I had come out on the other side stronger than ever.

In that moment, I had won.