I’m not burned out. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been frustrated when I haven’t been able get things right.
For years, I’ve dreamed of the day where I’d finally get things in check. Where I would run decent blood sugars and feel somewhat in control of this condition. It would always be tomorrow. Tomorrow would turn into next week. Next week would become the first of the month. Then, New Years would be just round the corner…
I started using an insulin pump, and suddenly those dreams actually felt a little more attainable to me than they were on injections. Things were improving. I definitely felt more confidence, and control in my actions around my diabetes. My levels weren’t peaking so high, so often. I wasn’t making wild guesses. I was motivated to take more measured approaches. I was motivated to experiment. I was finally getting things right.
However the more I got things right, the more I kept expecting of myself.
When I couldn’t get things right, I got frustrated. I blamed myself. I rebounded with junk food. I felt increasingly guilty and found myself thinking more and more about the long term consequences of my blood sugar control.
After four weeks of FreeStyle Libre monitoring recently, I felt confidence in going back to fingersticks after fine tuning my morning routine. After near perfect graphs on the Libre, suddenly I was getting high readings after breakfast. Suddenly I had no idea, or confidence in where my blood sugar levels were sitting anymore.
Was it just a bad week? Stress? Lack of sleep? Food? Change in activity levels?
Who the hell knows. Thankfully, things eventually returned to normal.
I look back at some of the posts I’ve written recently, and I can see how hungry I am for answers. For some sort of solution. Expecting that there’s some magic way to get diabetes down pat, once and for all.
Let me clue you in on something. There isn’t. Everything affects diabetes. Anything and everything. It’s impossible to achieve perfection all the time.
Sure, I will continue to work at my diabetes. I will continue to share what works, and what doesn’t work for me and my diabetes.
But I don’t have all of the answers to managing diabetes. And I’m learning to be okay with that.