I’m not burned out. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been frustrated when I haven’t been able get things right.
For years, I’ve dreamed of the day where I’d finally get things in check. Where I would run decent blood sugars and feel somewhat in control of this condition. It would always be tomorrow. Tomorrow would turn into next week. Next week would become the first of the month. Then, New Years would be just round the corner…
I started using an insulin pump, and suddenly those dreams actually felt a little more attainable to me than they were on injections. Things were improving. I definitely felt more confidence, and control in my actions around my diabetes. My levels weren’t peaking so high, so often. I wasn’t making wild guesses. I was motivated to take more measured approaches. I was motivated to experiment. I was finally getting things right.
However the more I got things right, the more I kept expecting of myself.
When I couldn’t get things right, I got frustrated. I blamed myself. I rebounded with junk food. I felt increasingly guilty and found myself thinking more and more about the long term consequences of my blood sugar control.
After four weeks of FreeStyle Libre monitoring recently, I felt confidence in going back to fingersticks after fine tuning my morning routine. After near perfect graphs on the Libre, suddenly I was getting high readings after breakfast. Suddenly I had no idea, or confidence in where my blood sugar levels were sitting anymore.
Was it just a bad week? Stress? Lack of sleep? Food? Change in activity levels?
Who the hell knows. Thankfully, things eventually returned to normal.
I look back at some of the posts I’ve written recently, and I can see how hungry I am for answers. For some sort of solution. Expecting that there’s some magic way to get diabetes down pat, once and for all.
Let me clue you in on something. There isn’t. Everything affects diabetes. Anything and everything. It’s impossible to achieve perfection all the time.
Sure, I will continue to work at my diabetes. I will continue to share what works, and what doesn’t work for me and my diabetes.
But I don’t have all of the answers to managing diabetes. And I’m learning to be okay with that.
Specialist said to me….the more you try and get it “perfect”…the worse it is probably gonna get cuz you will get stressed when you have a “bad” day…insulin will fluctuate BADLY and you feel you have failed…again!
I’m a perfectionist…a control freak so when ppl say my target it 8….it better be 8….and it NEVER is! It is IMPOSSIBLE with Lantus and NovoRapid! It is too much guess work with those injections even if you TRY and count carbs 🙁 Either I am 14 at midnight or 7 and going down quickly so I have to reach for the jelly beans cuz I go down FAST! My BSL dropped by 3.5 in 1 hr on Saturday…and there was the SO familiar “hangover” headache 🙁 Hmmm…it is kinda like the NovoRapid only works some times 🙁
I don’t like Lantus and NovoRapid combo…Humalog 75/25 was better and didn’t make me drop so quickly over night! I don’t know WHY night times are so sensitive re insulin for me but it is dangerous cuz my body doesn’t always wake me up before I get close to 4 and by then….I REALLY feel like shit!
I HATE counting carbs! It makes you feel guilty every time you eat….,and doesn’t really work with the NovoRapid! 15gr carbs = 1 exchange! 1 exchange = 2 OR 3 units NovoRapid…..all depending on what sort of carbs and what BSL was BEFORE eating….too bloody complicated! PLUS Novo interferes with my beta blockers! 🙁
Target 8 is IMPOSSIBLE to obtain or sustain for more than an hr or so! I don’t take Novo UNLESS I eat brekky or dinner! If I get a bit high during the day I leave it because I KNOW in a snap I start dropping around about 3-4pm (I NEVER eat lunch cuz it messes up everything!!!) and often I am at a BSL level of 7-9 when I start getting dinner ready.
BUT….I have realised…it is IMPOSSIBLE to try and mimick a healthy pancreas with injections…NOT gonna happen! I am stuck with counting carbs…synthetic insulin and sore fingertips cuz I have thrown the Libre out since it had me below 2 and “in a coma” for 4 1/2 hrs straight while I was at the eye Dr! That Libre is GARBAGE and WAY too expensive for something so inaccurate! It really turned me into a “bling bling” looney toon and I developed “check BSL OCD”! I now check it in fingertip every 3 or so hrs AND if I have to eat or feel a bit “odd”….NOT 60 times a day (one day I checked with Libre 122 times but it was not working that day so that is why!)
There is only ONE thing that is “perfect” I realise now…and that is a healthy pancreas! I don’t have one of those so I’ll go second best with synthetic insulin and take every day as they come! 🙂
Having to constantly manage diabetes can be frustrating at times. It’s understandable. Hang in there
I’ve been thinking about this very topic this week. I had a run of BGs that were nearly all literally perfect for about six days last week. I don’t know why, but I enjoyed it. It ended eventually, with some highs yesterday and that sinking feeling.
But what that means to me is that the “stress” of the bad BG day is something to take care of. Take it in stride and brush it off, and try to be more relaxed about it. Enjoy the good times and shrug off the bad.
High-level BG care 😀
Dude I feel ya pain, so frustrating when you cant find the answers to the random blood sugar swings after having near perfect levels for a week, maybe its all the serotonin from being so happy with good blood sugars! haha
Glad its back to ‘normal’
Stay happy my friend.