Don’t even get me started on those Spring has Sprung statuses…
I’ve been very much burned out these past couple of days. Surprisingly, nothing insulin pump related, either.
The truth is, I’ve had diabetes on the brain these past couple of weeks. I am striving to bring my A1C down by the end of the year. I’ve been stalking my glucose levels around the clock, demanding perfection. Carb counting. Weighing portions. Pre bolusing mealtime insulin. I’ve even heard the words remember to pre bolus escape from under my breath occasionally when I’ve been in the shower. I’m not kidding, either.
Last week, this constant diligence finally caught up with me.
I had two identical mornings, where I woke up slightly out of range on each. On Tuesday morning, my breakfast bolus failed to do it’s job of bringing me back into range. When I woke up slightly out of range again on Wednesday morning, I added another 10g worth of insulin to my identical breakfast, only to end up with an even higher blood sugar level than the day prior.
It got to me. It really got to me. Despite my best efforts, despite the constant monitoring and adjustments, I had still failed myself. Two identical days should be easier to manage, and yet they still produced completely different results. Diabetes is so damn unpredictable.
So I dropped the diligence. I didn’t feel like carb counting. I didn’t feel like weighing portions. I couldn’t be bothered pre bolusing insulin. I ate Croissants and chunky Kit Kats for lunch, because that’s what I felt like. Upward trend arrows on my Libre were compensated for with wild insulin boluses and temporary basal rates. Having access to unlimited glucose monitoring through my FreeStyle Libre sensor definitely made me feel I could get away with this downright shameful behaviour.
What scared me the most, however, was that this behaviour often mirrored my attitude towards diabetes prior to getting the pump. Lazy eating. Guesstimates. Rollercoaster swings in glucose levels. I lacked that sustained motivation. I didn’t really feel very much in control of my diabetes at all.
If this old reality has become “burnout” behaviour today, then I feel I’ve made a great deal of progress in the past couple of months.