Staycation

I am often asked when my next holiday will be, or if I have any travel plans in the pipeline. As much as I do love going on a holiday, they are equally exhausting by the time I return home. AND they cost money.

I’m not the kind of person who goes on a holiday to sit on the beach. I can easily do that at home. I want to go somewhere that I can explore and sightsee and be a tourist. But that is exhausting in itself. So ideally I’d love an extra week up my sleeve when I return home just to sleep in and catch up with life. But with a full time job, no lotto wins and only four weeks of annual leave, it rarely happens.

Throw diabetes into the mix of work and life, and after a while it feels like you’re just pulling it along, struggling to keep up. It’s monotonous. It’s always there. It never ceases to throw curveballs my way. 

Towards the end of last year, I definitely drew back a fair bit from my blog and from social media. I was feeling a lot of frustration towards my pump, which I’ll write more about soon. I felt like I was venting my diabetes frustrations all the time, without anything of value to say. 

I had a lot of other things going on at home and at work, leaving me with little enthusiasm for much else. It had been ages since I’d binge watched a good TV drama, or even gone to the beach. But I was exhausted.

So, after working through most of December, I decided to take a much needed Staycation. You know, being able to sleep in, make breakfast at 10am, go to the beach, binge on a good TV drama at midday, go to the shops without being in a hurry, stay up late into the night and recharge the batteries. 

First day back at work.

A photo posted by Frank (@franksita) on

 

In the excellent company of Mr Roger Federer tonight at the #HopmanCup.

A photo posted by Frank (@franksita) on

 

 

Today was fun.

A photo posted by Frank (@franksita) on

 

It began with all of this seemingly endless time stretched out in front of me, and before I knew it I was wondering how it could be over so soon. I guess that’s a good thing…

Staycations are awesome. They’re cheap. They’re a good way to charge up the batteries quickly. And they kind of let me catch up to diabetes a little, so that I’m not lagging behind for too long.

I Don’t Have the Answers

I’m not burned out. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been frustrated when I haven’t been able get things right.

For years, I’ve dreamed of the day where I’d finally get things in check. Where I would run decent blood sugars and feel somewhat in control of this condition. It would always be tomorrow. Tomorrow would turn into next week. Next week would become the first of the month. Then, New Years would be just round the corner…

I started using an insulin pump, and suddenly those dreams actually felt a little more attainable to me than they were on injections. Things were improving. I definitely felt more confidence, and control in my actions around my diabetes. My levels weren’t peaking so high, so often. I wasn’t making wild guesses. I was motivated to take more measured approaches. I was motivated to experiment. I was finally getting things right.

However the more I got things right, the more I kept expecting of myself.

When I couldn’t get things right, I got frustrated. I blamed myself. I rebounded with junk food. I felt increasingly guilty and found myself thinking more and more about the long term consequences of my blood sugar control.

After four weeks of FreeStyle Libre monitoring recently, I felt confidence in going back to fingersticks after fine tuning my morning routine. After near perfect graphs on the Libre, suddenly I was getting high readings after breakfast. Suddenly I had no idea, or confidence in where my blood sugar levels were sitting anymore.

Was it just a bad week? Stress? Lack of sleep? Food? Change in activity levels?

Who the hell knows. Thankfully, things eventually returned to normal.

I look back at some of the posts I’ve written recently, and I can see how hungry I am for answers. For some sort of solution. Expecting that there’s some magic way to get diabetes down pat, once and for all.

Let me clue you in on something. There isn’t. Everything affects diabetes. Anything and everything. It’s impossible to achieve perfection all the time.

Sure, I will continue to work at my diabetes. I will continue to share what works, and what doesn’t work for me and my diabetes.

But I don’t have all of the answers to managing diabetes. And I’m learning to be okay with that.

giphy