Relentlessness.

There are days where I find myself exhaling loudly out of exhaustion. My alarm wakes me for work at 6.30am, while I want nothing more than to close my eyes and go back to sleep. I find myself unable to muster any enthusiasm for the new day ahead of me, nor for the people around me. I find myself walking around with a long face, and an expression that will put a damper on everything and everyone around me. There are days where I feel like coffee, toast and swear words are the bane of my existence. Then, there’s the inevitable feeling of limping toward the finish line on a Friday afternoon.

Over the years, I’ve told myself that I was burned out. Or that I wasn’t eating the right kinds of foods. That I was overworked, and trying to juggle too many different things. I wondered if it was the exhausting nature of rollercoaster blood glucose levels. Or the mixed bag of emotions that came from dealing with an unpredictable condition that was downright isolating.

Time has gone by, however, and I think it’s safe to say that I’ve addressed each of these issues to the best of my ability. The variability in my glucose levels are far less significant than they once were. I am more connected, supported and engaged in my management. I have a far better understanding of a condition that even at the best of times makes no sense. I am far more conscious of taking time out for myself and not burning out.

But I’d be lying if I said that those feelings don’t linger, like flames from a fire that simply will not go out. There’s only one rational explanation that I keep coming back to.

Diabetes.

Diabetes is relentless. The physical and mental effort required to keep those flames at bay is huge. Throw in a full time job, freelance writing, friends, family and time out for myself, all while working towards financial independence, a career and other life goals, and it’s no surprise that at times I feel like I’m only further fanning those flames.

Diabetes is no easy feat.

When I look on in envy at the person with a spring in their step while I’m limping it toward the finish line of a Friday afternoon after a challenging week, I remind myself that most people around me don’t have to deal with the relentless diabetes demands that I do.

Staycation

I am often asked when my next holiday will be, or if I have any travel plans in the pipeline. As much as I do love going on a holiday, they are equally exhausting by the time I return home. AND they cost money.

I’m not the kind of person who goes on a holiday to sit on the beach. I can easily do that at home. I want to go somewhere that I can explore and sightsee and be a tourist. But that is exhausting in itself. So ideally I’d love an extra week up my sleeve when I return home just to sleep in and catch up with life. But with a full time job, no lotto wins and only four weeks of annual leave, it rarely happens.

Throw diabetes into the mix of work and life, and after a while it feels like you’re just pulling it along, struggling to keep up. It’s monotonous. It’s always there. It never ceases to throw curveballs my way. 

Towards the end of last year, I definitely drew back a fair bit from my blog and from social media. I was feeling a lot of frustration towards my pump, which I’ll write more about soon. I felt like I was venting my diabetes frustrations all the time, without anything of value to say. 

I had a lot of other things going on at home and at work, leaving me with little enthusiasm for much else. It had been ages since I’d binge watched a good TV drama, or even gone to the beach. But I was exhausted.

So, after working through most of December, I decided to take a much needed Staycation. You know, being able to sleep in, make breakfast at 10am, go to the beach, binge on a good TV drama at midday, go to the shops without being in a hurry, stay up late into the night and recharge the batteries. 

 

 

 

 

It began with all of this seemingly endless time stretched out in front of me, and before I knew it I was wondering how it could be over so soon. I guess that’s a good thing…

Staycations are awesome. They’re cheap. They’re a good way to charge up the batteries quickly. And they kind of let me catch up to diabetes a little, so that I’m not lagging behind for too long.