Two years ago I began writing this blog, and opening up about my diabetes. It’s incredible to think that there was a time where I did shy away from my diabetes, considering that I called in sick to work yesterday citing high blood sugar levels!
I look back at old posts and realise how much my attitude towards diabetes has changed over time. I distinctly remember not being able to sleep one night, sitting up in bed, grabbing my laptop and simply letting the words flow. While a lot of things from this post have changed for the better, some things here still hold true.
There are so many aspects of my daily life that those around me would have absolutely no idea about. Of course most people around me know that I check my blood sugar levels and inject myself with insulin. But what about all those other invisible things that nobody ever sees, the things I choose to keep to myself.
Thoughts. Its been almost five years since I’ve been able go to bed without being plagued with worrying thoughts. What will my blood sugar level be in an hours time? In two hours? Four hours? Tomorrow morning? Do I still have active insulin in my system from dinner? How much more am I likely to drop? Will I go hypo? Or will my blood sugar rise later on because of the fatty food I had earlier?
Hypos. Being woken up at 2am drenched in sweat and shaking like mad. The frustration of having to open my eyes and get up from my comfy position under the covers. I know I’m hypo, but I’ll still reach for my meter just to be sure. Yep. I’ll reach for the bag of jellybeans sitting beside my bed, begrudgingly shoving them into my mouth. I hate them. The dry, sugary taste that will stick to my tongue for hours and leave my throat dry. I’ll be dying for a drink by the time I wake up. And then I’ll have to fall asleep all over again.
Hypers. Waking up in the morning thinking of one number while my meter is showing something ridiculous like 20. I’m so furious, so frustrated at the thought of my blood sugar being that high for that long. Then cue the scary thoughts of diabetes complications and damage I’ve done to my body. Desperate to being my blood sugars down ASAP, I’ll dial up a big dose of insulin. Only to find a few hours later that I’ve overcorrected and am hypo instead.
And then there’s those public situations. Like Work. Having to refuse that spontaneous treat that my workmate has brought in to share, and then being asked why not. Or accepting it and then racing back to the bathroom for a quick jab of insulin while nobody is around. And then waiting for that private moment to test my blood sugar level away from prying eyes. I’m doing myself a favour. Saving myself from that conversation where I’m asked if I can’t eat sugar and told stories about that friend or relative who has diabetes too.
But I take it all in my stride. I don’t complain to my family. I don’t tell those well meaning conversationalists to shut up. I just deal with it. And most of the time, I dont even stop to actually think about what I’m doing. Its just something I have to do. Its a part of being me.