A Basket Case?

I’m sitting here, typing this, with a blood sugar level of 18.8. My FreeStyle Libre graph for the past 8 hours looks absolutely dreadful. I had to override the maximum insulin delivery limits on my pump so that I could give higher insulin boluses, and run higher basal rates to bring my blood sugar levels down.

I feel like crap. I feel ridden with guilt. I feel sick and tired of all the discipline that diabetes involves. I feel like I really don’t give a shit about diabetes today.

Rewind back to yesterday morning, when I woke up to a 9.1. Nothing too terrible, but far enough out of range to make my breakfast bolus less sensitive. Which, despite an added bolus for 10 grams worth of insulin with breakfast, still led to a reading of 15.0 afterwards. Which led to an I-don’t-give-a-shit slice of black forrest cake with lunch. Which led to an I-couldn’t-give-a-flying-f*** about being diligent attitude for the remainder of the day.

Diabetes demands so much discipline. Checking my blood sugar. Counting my carbs. Weighing my portions. Delivering my insulin. Pre bolusing that insulin 30 minutes prior for a optimal post-prandial result. Setting the alarm to check my blood sugar at 2am to ensure that I won’t wake up high the next morning. Foregoing so much temptation, for the sake of better blood sugar levels.

Diabetes already demands so much of me, and yet it never seems to be enough. It never seems to be enough, and that’s where the cracks begin to show. 

Yesterday afternoon, I was curled up in front of the couch with a coffee and an almost-finished (not by me) packet of melting moments biscuits. I had eaten one, and was sitting there staring at the last one in the packet for what must have been 10 or 15 minutes. Should I eat it? Or I should put the packet away?

I eventually ate the second one, and of course watched my blood sugar rise in the aftermath. As I gave corrections that couldn’t quite catch up to my rising blood sugar, I began to murmur to myself “you’ve got problem, mate.” “You need help.”

The funny thing being that if I didn’t have diabetes, this would hardly have been a problem. I would have eaten the second biscuit and enjoyed the hell out of it, instead of feeling guilty. I might have bragged to the next person I saw about eating those two whole biscuits, instead of feeling ashamed. I might have complained about feeling ready for bed after satisfying my stomach, instead of cursing my rising blood sugar levels.

If I didn’t have diabetes, this would hardly have been a problem.

If I didn’t have diabetes, I wouldn’t be talking to myself like I were a basket case because I ate two damn biscuits.

5 thoughts on “A Basket Case?

  1. Sorry to hear about your “shit” day 🙁

    I think I can really emphasise here. Woke up this morning…sugar 11.8 and had that tell tale hangover headache like I have been sleep walking and eaten a whole bag of tiny teddies at 3am or drunk a bottle of vodka 🙁

    My insulin was changed back to Humalog 25/75 from once a day long lasting only Lantus to try and stop the peaks when I eat! HA! My breakfast peak on the Humalog yesterday “only” lasted from 8.30am to 3pm so I had to skip lunch AGAIN…then it started coming down FAST at about 4pm for no reason…had 3 jelly beans to counteract to last till dinner…went up to 11….came down a bit (about 9.5) by time for dinner and second injection. Same happened…💉…eat at 6.30pm…↗️↗️⬆️⬆️⬆️ sigh! After hovering at about 15 until 11pm…EXHAUSTED….hangover headache…nausea…stomach cramps…upset tummy..,it SLOWLY started coming down ➡️↘️➡️➡️↘️➡️➡️↘️ and was 9 at 2am and I went to bed…just to wake up at 6am to 11.8…PFFT!

    I had one of my “flips” yelling WHAT’S THE BLOODY POINT WHEN THE STUPID INSULIN IS NOT WORKING ANYWAY! I JUST EANG THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE CUZ I AM TURNING INTO A BLOODY OCD LUNATIC WITH THIS LIBRE THING ON! Sure I felt like ABSOLUTE CRAP when we found out my sugar was running on 20…but at least I WAS “HAPPY”! All I can think about is….insulin…sugar levels…check BSL to see the horrid ⬆️⬇️➡️↘️↗️! I am getting my anxiety and panic attacks again…petrified knowing the “highs” are slowing ruining my organs!

    I have NEVER been a sweet eating person! I don’t eat lollies really…don’t like cake but being Danish…I still love my Danish butter biscuits but haven’t had ONE since I was diagnosed in March! The ONLY times I have sugar stuff is when I have a “low” SIGH!

    SOME good news I guess. Saw specialist and average sugar from last 3 months is 9.3 which translates to below 7% in a1c <– not sure correct spelling! I said NO BLOODY WONDER…I AM STARVING MYSELF HALF THE TIME TO KEEP THAT NUMBER LOW!

    I don't have a pump and I really think it would drive me to the brink of bonkers and the psych ward…being the control freak I am and my PTSD would push me over the edge!

    All I know is….I have developed this "hatred" towards foods! I eat because I HAVE TO but I don't enjoy food of eating anymore because I know how it will affect me after!

    I hope you have a better day today 🙃

  2. You have written down exactly what goes through my head a lot.
    Excuse the very non eloquent way this is going to come out:
    Diabetes is a complete scumbag sometimes and is the cause of many a shit day. The non stop backing chatter and self judgement is tiring and the “f*** it I want a bloody biscuit” response is totally justified.
    Is this good medical advice, no. But for your own sake- Frank, you eat your biscuit and tell that diabetes brain to shut the *insert words of choice here* up for five minutes.
    I feel we’re all entitled to an uncounted biscuit once in a while.

  3. I so hear and feel you! In fact, it is what drives me CRAZY about this stupid diabetes thing – how the smallest things that most people completely take for granted and are generally non-issues, become this big deal. I so freaking hate it.

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