It feels like forever ago that I made the big decision to switch to an insulin pump, and now the big day is only two weeks away.
Over these past couple of months, one of my reasons for making the big switch is becoming much clearer.
I cannot wait to be able to fine tune my insulin to better suit the time of day.
I usually head to bed at around 10pm most nights, which is usually before all of my rapid acting insulin from dinner has worn off. I often find myself needing a good correction dose later on, and I’m not awake to be able to do this. If I’ve eaten something really Low GI like Pasta, it often needs some delayed insulin to cover it. If I’ve eaten something higher in fat or protein, ditto. So most nights, I end up setting 1am or 2am alarms which allow me to test and correct. It’s a lot of work.
Lantus tends to work best when I eat a similar amount of carbohydrates each day. Some nights, 10 units isn’t enough to keep me stable through the night. Some nights, 10 units will send me plummeting to lows. Other nights, my blood sugar will hold nicely until 4am, and then begin to plummet. Ideally, I imagine that my pump would be able to deliver a heavier background insulin rate between say, 10pm and 1am, and then a lighter rate for the rest of the evening.
Part of me is ridden with guilt. I feel like I have failed injections, and that I should have been able to get them right. I question whether I am getting the pump to be more lazy with my diabetes. I feel guilty for demanding an expensive piece of diabetes technology, when other people in the world can’t afford insulin alone. I feel guilty for not having the willpower to follow a regimented diet. I feel like I have a bad diet, simply because I can’t get my blood sugar levels quite right around the food that I eat.
However, none of this could be further from the truth.
I am working hard – extremely hard – with a very demanding condition. A condition that never lets me rest, and is changing all the time. I am striving, constantly, to do better. I know exactly why I am getting an insulin pump, and what I want from it. I haven’t made this decision lightly. I don’t eat exactly the same thing day in and day out. I enjoy variety in my diet, and I don’t apologise for it.
I’m going to try and stop feeling so guilty.
It’s my diabetes, and my choice in the way that I manage it.
Let the final countdown to pump day begin…
No guilt, no way, no how. Pumps are supposed to make our lives easier and insulin management more precise. T1D is a hard enough disease that anything that can make it a little easier, safer, more effective to manage is worth it. Completely guilt-free!
You know what Frank, i have learnt in 47 years of T1D, that if you actually live in the REAL WORLD and work in a non diabetes affiliated service, have a family to look after, and try to fit a life in there somewhere as well as diabetes, something has to give! i am a superwoman but until i got my pump, life was tough, my levels were variable even with hard work on injections. So don’t feel guilty feel part of the real diabetes world, where we are honest enough to tell it like it is, not from the perspective of an ivory tower, whilst either not working or working in the diabetes industry with all it’s perks.
I remember before i got my pump i would often feel like a real failure, i would read the super hero stories and think, why can’t i get it right, what is wrong with me? i would exercise, adhere to the recommended diets and still have levels all over the place, as well as working in a high demand job, looking after two children as a single parent, and keeping up with two big dogs.
Belive me something has to give, you cannot do it all, injections suck, now with the pump it has given me the fine tuning i desired and the ability to fit the rest of life into a day. You are not lazy, undeserving, you are simply human and i only wish more people would speak out about how crap injections really are, how hard this whole diabetes trip is and realise everyone on insulin should have access to the latest technology.
Wow only two weeks away, so happy for you, i just know it will give you so much satisfaction seeing your levels even out over time, not to mention getting a good nights sleep. Before my pump i had not slept a straight 7 or 8 hours in 40 odd years, i still have the occasional hypo overnight but nothing like i used to. How crazy is it that? Of’ve all the things having a pump has helped me with is that i actually am able to get a good night’s sleep and wake up with a reading around 4.5mmols, things most people take for granted, are for me and other diabetics a luxury.
As one T1D to another, if you deserve anything it is at least a pump and it outrages me that our so called advocates have done little to ensure ALL diabetics have access to a pump. Enjoy !
I am smiling so much reading this. Your comment gives me so much hope that the pump will be everything I want it to be. Thank you, Michele, for your kind words!